Expert: Don - 5/7/2007

Question
My husband of 6 1/2 years recently disclosed to me that he was unfaithful. I knew there was another woman, but was stunned, disappointed and crushed beyond words to hear that he had already had sex with her, twice. My question is: You said in another post that if someone cheats it is a pretty clear indication that they will do it again. I have always believed "once a cheater, always a cheater" but now things aren't so black and white ... Do you really think, that given time, therapy and a whole lot of work that he'll cheat again?  Is there hope that I can fix my marriage and we can move beyond this or is the marriage doomed and if we do stay together are we destined to repeat this horrible nightmare??  

Answer
When I say once a cheater, always a cheater, for the most part I believe it is true, especially if the person who cheated isn't really committed to staying faithful to their partner.

So with that said, if you feel that your husband is truly sorry for what he did and is actually willing to try. And I'm not talking him just telling you he is willing to try I mean him actually putting in the effort and going to the therapies and actually showing through his actions that he is sorry then give it a chance. You may be able to save your marriage.

With that said, it's not all on him, you have to work to to make sure your marriage works, meaning if you say you forgive him for what he has done and you want to work past it, then you truly need to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt. For example if you don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again, or if you feel you're going drive yourself crazy everytime he leaves the house because you are so worried that he is out doing something with another woman then there is no need to try to save the marriage. There is no point in you making yourself crazy because you don't trust him. If you feel that that trust can never be repaired between the two of you, then don't bother trying to fix this.

You can only fix the marriage if the two of you are both willing to work through this bad situation in your life and decide that your love for each other is bigger than his betrayal.

I hoped this helped and good luck