Expert: Sam E - 4/3/2007

Question
OK so when I was 19 I went out with this girl.  I loved her more than I can describe.  And it seemed like she loved me even more than I loved her!  We were together for about 6 months and then she went on her senior trip to Florida and had sex with at least 2 guys.  OK we broke up, obvious choice.  Now its 3 years later and I'm with my current girlfriend I love more than anything, and we've been together for about 8 months (I've known her for 2 years) and she's also my best friend.  Because of my past experience, every girl that I date I am absolutely terrified to be cheated on.  I've tried everything, but nothing works.  I talk to her about it, she understands and helps me, but I still can't help causing the occasional fight about it.  And she's one of those girls that has a very flirtatious personality.  What should I do?  There has to be a way to overcome this, otherwise I'm going to go insane.

Answer
This type of jealousy comes from insecurities and the only way to really improve is to start to building up your self esteem and to work through your fears.
First, worse case is that she cheats. There is nothing you can do about this. If she does it, she does it and you won’t be able to stop her. You will just pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Dwelling on this will only make you miserable and it’s pointless to stress.
As you know, your consent fear of her cheating or suddenly realizing that she doesn’t love you, is not only destroying you, it is destroying your relationship. She may be understanding now but the day will come when she will be fed up with it.
If he loves you she won’t cheat on you. That is what keeps people from cheating. Not controlling them, questioning them, fighting, none of that keeps a person from cheating. LOVE keeps a person from cheating. There is nothing you can do to stop her if she does want to. So let go of that idea.
Once you can let go and let her be you can move on past this. Secondly, build some self-esteem up. Work out, spend more time on hobbies or sports. Hang pout with friends more often. Not only will you begin to feel better, you will also stop focusing on her all the time. You need are putting too much emphasis on her and the idea that only she can make you happy and fulfilled. When that happens we start tp freak out and think that if they leave us we will be nothing and life will not be worth living. If you let that go and start tp enjoy other things in life, your relationship will improve 100% and will have a better chance at surviving.
Hope this helps,
sam