Expert: Dr. Lace Wilson, D.Div., C.Ht., M.C.C. - 11/17/2004

Question
Hello, I hope you can help me. I'm terrifed my bf will be unfaithful to me. He's told white lies before, but nothing to the extreme regarding cheating, (my ultime fear). Every man I have dated has either cheated on me, or left. Or lied. I know when guys are around and exposed to other men who cheat (like my bf) whos father cheated on his mom resulting in divoce one day. My bf forsome reason said his boss and coworkers were cheating on t heir wives/gf's. Him and I fight because I don't trust him. HIs ex cheated on him, so he says, twice, and sheleft him for another guy. He says he doesn't like to talk about cheating because he doesnt like it either. Its amazing how he seems to never get that jealous, I mean I"m sure he does...but never paranoid.He seems sooo trusting ofme. We're always figting about the fact how HE might cheat because of my fears. Maybe thats why he never gets paranoid over me? Because I AM so worried about HIS faithfulness? Anyway, I read an article and most men cheat. For thrill. Forlust...and even excitment. And getting away with it. Do all men cheat? How can I know if he is the type to do so? He swears he wouldn't saying he has a "bad concious" and usually...I know when somethings wrong because he gets this guilt look. And starts pulling away. But..do all men cheat? How can I learn to trust him? I"m always preparing myself for the worse...so it doesnt hurt as much as if i werent prepared. I'm so scared! What if I put my trust in him...only to later find out I shouldnt have? Like my horrible past?Thank you so much for reading my letter. I hope to hear from you soon!  

Answer
Hi Scared,

First, thank you for contacting me.  I can definitely sympathize with your situation; it's easy to see how heavy this weighs on you and causes you stress.  I'm going to do my best to give you a very honest answer (although, I'm afraid to say, I'm not one to candy-coat things as it's never helpful to you) - however, understand this is a generic answer.  Since I don't know the full story of your past, your boyfriend and your relationship with him - it's difficult, if not impossible, for me to give you specific advice.  Also, this is a delicate and complicated situation - nothing that I, nor anyone else, can say in ONE e-mail is going to do much good for you.  It might give you a boost of hope or a temporary peace of mind...but this is something that YOU will need to work on consistently.

First thing is first:  No, not all men cheat.  That couldn't be farther from the truth, dear heart.  You must understand that whenever you read anything (positive or negative) you are reading the author's own personal experiences and opinions.  Perhaps the author of the article that you read was someone who had friends that all cheat/cheated.  So, naturally, that would be his/her standpoint on it since that's his/her experience.  I can tell you, honestly, being a counselor and therapist for years - all men do NOT cheat.  I've had so, so many clients (male clients) who came to me to seek therapy because their female partners were cheating or have cheated and they had a very hard time dealing with it.  These men just couldn't understand for the life of them why someone would cheat; they were completely confused and devastated.  The reason why our society is more focused on men cheating than women is because men tend not to talk about their problems.  If a man gets cheated on, he's not one to run to his friends about it.  Where, on the other hand, when a woman is cheated on...she immediately seeks support.  You must take all of these things into consideration before you believe stereotypes, okay?  Otherwise, you're only inviting anxiety into your life and into your relationships.  People are people - being male or female has nothing whatsoever to do with cheating - both do it, both have it done to them - one does NOT do it more than the other.  

I must admit that I'm a little concerned when you mentioned that you're confused/upset/worried that your boyfriend doesn't get jealous and paranoid of you.  Jealousy and paranoia have absolutely nothing to do with love.  And, don't worry, you're not the first I've worked with who felt otherwise - this is a very, very common misconception among couples - yet it causes so much unnecessary fighting, heartache and worry.  Do you know why people get jealous and paranoid in relationships?  It's because they have low self-esteem and are very insecure in themselves.  They worry so much that they're not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, etc. that their partner will decide that they want someone else instead.  So they become jealous - they're so sure that they're SO unworthy, they're bound to get hurt.  Basically, they set themselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They're just so sure, so positive, so deadset on KNOWING that they're just bound to get hurt because they're just not good enough...that when it happens, they say "Aha!  I knew it the whole time!  I knew this was going to happen!"  The thing that these people don't understand is that they're INVITING into their life what they fear the most.  Here, let me explain a bit more...

Actually, this is something that I very, very rarely do with my clients but I'm going to make an exception for you because I think this will be a perfect example to help you understand what I mean.  I'm going to give you a personal example from my own life, okay?

Years ago, I was with a girl named Kristin.  We were together for a little over four years, I even asked her to marry me - I was sure that this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  After about two years into our relationship, Kristin became extremely jealous and possessive.  I couldn't understand for the life of me WHY she was turning into this new woman that was not the woman that I fell in love with.  I have never hurt her, I've never done anything to cause her to think that I WOULD hurt her...but she was jealous and possessive nonetheless.  The tiniest, smallest things that she could find "something" in, she would start an argument about.  She didn't trust me, she didn't want to share me with anyone else (especially females) in fear that I would cheat on her, etc.  It was just a royal mess for me.  I put up with it as long as I could, trying to work things through with her, but she just wouldn't have it.  It got to the point where I would fear calling her or seeing her because I knew what it would bring; it was no longer a pleasant excitement, it was anxiety.  I started telling her little white lies about anything and everything that I knew she would "pick something up on."  For instance, I remember one night coming home from work, I had a rough day at the office with my clients and I wanted to take a the longer, more scenic route home - which meant I would get home 20 minutes later than usual.  Do you know what I did that entire 20 minutes?  Instead of enjoying the slow, scenic drive (that was my intention to begin with!), I spent that entire 20 minutes thinking up little white lies I could tell her when I walked in the door when she would say "where have you been?  who were you with?  what were you doing?"  So, when I got home, I told her I was on the phone with a client a little later than I had expected.  I wasn't a liar!  I hated, absolutely hated, lying to anyone - especially her.  But what choice did she leave me with?  If I would've told her that I wanted to take the scenic route home, she would've automatically started assuming the worse: "oh, I know he's lying, he's probably seeing someone behind my back, he probably stopped at someone's house, he probably had a woman with him" and on and on and on.  So to try to maintain a feeling of peace within my own home, I had to completely change the person I was to fit her to avoid fighting, arguing and anxiety.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore.  I couldn't take constantly being anxious about coming home to her, I couldn't take the constant state of tension between us, I couldn't take the fighting and arguing, I couldn't take her not trusting me when I've never done anything but love, care for, and respect her.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I was turning into someone that I didn't even recognize because I LOVED her and I wanted her to be happy and to feel safe with me - even if it meant compromising myself and my own hapiness.  

A little over four years into our relationship, a woman opened a business next to my counseling office.  We began talking and meeting for coffee when we had time during the day, etc.  It was all very friendly - there was no hidden agenda and neither of us were looking for anything between each other.  Once I felt comfortable enough with her, I started discussing how things were between Kristin and I.  The more I got to know this new woman, the more I realized what I was missing out on in life.  I told Kristin that "enough was enough" - we either find a way to quit this nonsense and get through this together...or I was finished.  I told her how much I loved her, but what we had wasn't a relationship based on love, trust and respect - it was based on fear, jealousy and paranoia.  She refused to listen to my side - everything was my fault, I made her feel that way, I wasn't doing enough to show her she could trust me, etc.   I had no choice but to break things off with her.  It killed me to do so - for all I could keep thinking about is the wonderful, wonderful woman that I met four years ago - but it wasn't her anymore, I had to face that and move on.  So I did.

And what do you think Kristin said to me?  "I knew it.  I knew you were going to leave me.  I knew it the whole time.  Why do you think I am the way I am?  Because I KNEW this was going to happen!"  She created a self-fulfilling prophecy for herself.  She was SO certain it was going to happen, she created situations and tension between us that didn't even exist - and it DID happen.  But it happened because she created it, she fueled it.

Does any of this sound familiar to you, Scared?

If your boyfriend isn't jealous (well, overly jealous, minor jealousy is natural) or paranoid about you - it does NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that he doesn't love you or care about you.  It means that he has self-confidence, self-respect and security in himself.  He knows he's a good boyfriend, a good friend - if you're going to cheat, it's not his fault, he's done nothing wrong.  He's loved you, cared for you and respected you.  What more could he do to keep you from cheating?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  So why waste precious time being jealous and possessive then?

Love should not be jealous.  Love should not be envious.

You asked me what if you trust him and you find out down the road that you shouldn't have.  Oh, dear heart, there's no answer to that.  But, I will tell you - you cannot be afraid to hurt.  If we spent our whole lives being afraid of pain, what kind of lives would we be living?  We wouldn't leave our homes!  Every single thing in our lives can be a source of pain and stess for us - everything.  
Nothing is perfect, nothing is immune to falling apart or fading.  Nothing is completely positive.  Bad things happen.  And yes, bad things happen to good people.  

Everything happens for a reason.  I'm a firm believer in that as it's proved itself to be true to me time and time again.  Nothing is coincidence and nothing comes to us without having a purpose.  All the difficulties that we face in life are there for a reason.  We meet certain people so that they can lead us to meet other people who play important roles in our lives.  When things don't work out for us in a relationship (whether it's our fault or their fault), we learn such valuable lessons that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives.  We learn from the mistakes that we've made, we learn how to be better friends, partners, spouses, we learn how to communicate better, how to control our emotions better, etc.  Everything is about learning.  We learn to find and to be ourselves.  It's not about avoiding or escaping pain, it's about transforming it into a positive and learning from it.

My advice to you, dear heart, is this:

1)  You need to learn to love yourself better.  Be compassionate and kind to yourself.  FIND yourself.  I have a lot of clients who argue with me when I tell them this.  They say to me "you don't know me!  I love myself, I care about myself, I think I'm a great person!"  And do you know what I say to them?  "No, you don't.  If you did, you wouldn't feel the way that you do at this very moment."

2)  I recommend that you find a therapist/counselor/life coach that you feel comfortable with and work with them.  A lot of people think, "hey, I don't need help, I don't need to talk to someone about my problems, I don't need some shrink behind a desk nodding at me."  That's not what counseling and life coaching is.  That's a psychiatrist :-)  A counselor and life coach is someone who can be a friend to you, not a doctor.  Someone who can ask you questions and offer advice and support that will help YOU find your true self and get a grip on your emotions, attitudes, habits and other not so nice things that are causing unhealthy stress in your life.  They don't want to better you FOR you - they want to give you the tools you need to better yourself.

I am a Counselor, Therapist and Master Certified Life Coach.  For clients who come to me through AllExperts.com, I offer a very, very large discount if they'd like to climb on board and be a full-time client of mine.  If this is something that interests you, please let me know.  I always work with my clients if finances are a concern.  We would communicate through e-mail and IM...both individually (just you and I) or in couples counseling with you and your boyfriend.  Or, we can even do both if you'd like.  Just let me know if it's something you'd like to consider.

Please think about what I've said about your situation.  You're more than welcome to contact me at any time, dear heart.  You can even reach me at my private e-mail:  onespirittherapy@yahoo.com.  

Again, I thank you for contacting me and if this is the last that I hear from you, I wish you the best of luck!

Best Regards,
Dr. Lace Wilson, D.Div., C.Ht., M.C.C.