Expert: RITA - 2/6/2005

Question
Okay we had a huge deal last night oh my god It was rough for all of us I brought up the letter and some messages he sent her on her cellphone he admitted he liked her but he would never attempt anything due to respect to me I explained that wasnt very respectfull he said those messages were a joke since he had "LOL" at the end of it and a few lol's in the letter meaning he was joking I mean what kind of bull crap is this I mean everything was great and dandy with him admitting this and explaining the whole issue that he will basically back off this whole thing and not attempt what he was doing I was happy with that statement but "alicia" my girlfriend was upset because he got upset about how she lied to him about keeping that note from me.... I mean what kind of BS is this I'm the one supposed to be furious about this but I am soo calm about this whole situation why do you think I'm this calm? anyways he runs off to his room claiming he's thinking and she gets upset with me for getting him upset at her... During this 3 person argument I discovered she "liked" him and he likes her even though she would never be with someone like him the only thing that attracts her to him is the fact that he likes a lot of things she likes but I think thats what any guy would do to get a girl interested "Ohhh you like opera... I love opera...." kinda thing ... Why is it soo hard for her to understand that I love her and I know she loves me and I know the only reason she's going through this is because she has no friends and considers him to be her first friend that did not originate from being my friend first and she's liking it but he's taking it to the next level as his msg he sent her last night which is why she wanted this to come out his msg said "I am at the movies by myself... Cant get you off my mind" another said "I'm soo glad were friends hopefully more..."   This is really upsetting me what should I do now ... By the way thank you soooo much RITA Your the best


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Followup To
Question -
Okay the thing is we allready had this talk but he always dodges everything I say claiming my girlfriend isnt even his type he doesnt know that I have a letter in my wallet that he left her on our door when I left to work with him explaining how much he likes her and everything in detail and how he wants her to hide that letter from me and shred it when done with it but my girlfriend being the honest loving girl that she is brought it to my attention and showed me the letter but I cant do that anymore... currently he's been up to his word and staying away from my girl and our relationship and he allready lost his girlfriend due to an "Anonymous letter forwarded to his girlfriend that he sent to his X" so they are no longer together" And no we cant afford moving right now not for another 4-5 month's at least then we can start looking....

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Followup To
Question -
This is not just a question this is more like a desperate cry for help.... I need to know what is happening here...
here's the scenario:
My girlfriend and I just moved in with a roommate which we have known for 5 weeks now seem to be getting too close he has a girlfriend but he seemed interested in mine and she's just letting him sweet talk her when I'm not around, she went out with him to the mall when I was at work etc... they seemed to click ... anyways I started researching a bit and paying close attention to things then I brought everything out to the table infront of the both of them she cried he grinned and denied his alternate intentions I didnt care its her I care about and how she actually feels about this and why she's letting it slide and hidden from me and not worried about my feelings at all we were sitting there watching lord of the rings and she had her feet under his butt saying her feet are cold which really upset me then she confides in him when were having a fight or an argument so basically where we moved to right now I feel like the only friend me and her have is a guy thats a really cool guy except for the fact that he wants to get in my girlfriends pants when me and him are alone he tells me how he's cheating on his girl and how he lies to her and about all this porn on his computer ... Just guy talk .... trying to prove he's testestorone worthy... I'm the kinde of guy that want nothing but my girl and I'm happy when I see a smile on her face I do everything for this girl... I am an extremely attractive guy By the way in the begining of the relationship me and her I was not a saint either I cheated on her too but at the time when we got together I was seeing 5 girls but that was 2 years ago and since then I have not wanted anybody else but her and she keeps on bringing this up about how I cheated on her in the begining of the relationship everytime she does something wrong I know she loves me more than anything ... dont ask me why But I know I think she just needs a friend and he is just being his normal guy self when a guy wants something he could be the nicest thing in the world...when I confronted her she said I was being extremely silly to be thinking that I
reverse engineered her into admitting everything after finding 44 txt messages on her phone and told her my friend is a supervisor at T-mobile and he can tell me what those messages are and I will leave her and throw her to the curb if she did not willingly admit to them and if there was any type of a discripency I will kick her to the curb she admitted that he was asking her about my birthday party, how he's decorating since she's at work and it was gonna be a surprise then he
said "I think I'm falling for you and I am becomming to like you " then she did not reply due to the shock then he said "I AM SOOO SORRY
I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT and appologised... then she said "Dont worry just dont do it again I will delete this msg and nobody has to know as long as it was never done again..."  I got really calm and smiled .... then admitted to her that I knew and didnt care I just wanted to hear it from her and I want her to be very truthfull to me .... He made her feel comfortable by forcing her into a (secret) that she supposidly didnt want to know and using that to seperate us since to her now I'm somebody that is lied to by both of them taking me out of their circle of trust and him being a person she shares a secret with .... so now I know about his secret and also the day after I confronted him and told him to keep his distance.. In a very nice way, That next morning  he left her a note on the door right after I left she which she showed to me when I got home from work that note said at the end of it "Please DESTROY, BURN after reading" He basically admitted how much he liked her and how pretty and intelligent and sweet and adorable she was and how lucky I am for having her and not wanting to let go of her.. and how he has to "Pass off" his feelings since she's with me and he respects that... "PASS OFF" is a phrase he mentioned several times in this letter I'm thinking about having his girlfriend which is not very attractive ask him the same questions about those msg's and that she knows a supervisor at t-mobile and he will bring her the logs and see what he will tell her either way that will break em up he acts soo macho around me thinking I dont know and I act like I dont know around him I act soo clueless around him I enjoy the element of surprise!!!! Now I also want to mention that after this my girlfriend went back to acting normal about this whole issue she suddenly got extremely nice to me did a whole bunch of house work which she rarely does usually I'm the one that does the house work usually I cook, clean, tidy up do the laundry but she was doing all that after this whole thing happened but out of nowhere she flipped right back over 2-3 days later and started getting close to him all over again So this time
I want to revenge on him but I dont think that is the right thing to do I need help tell me what you think dear rita We cant move since we just moved in and he is the only one on the lease cant move out school, work close by and the rent is dirt cheap for what were getting I just
wanna revenge on him from far away his girlfriend doesnt live close and she feels the same way about this as I do .... thanks for reading
all this!! :)
Answer -
I think you need to go to this guy and have a "man to man" talk. Tell him unless he leaves your girlfriend alone that you will goto his girlfriend with everything you know about him...including how he is chasing your girlfriend. You might also have your girlfriend present to hear you tell him this, so that she understands as well, that you know what's going on, and you won't tolerate it. You also need to look into other housing arrangements, whether or not it seems possible, there is always a way to afford it and living like this is not good for any involved.
Tell me how you do.
Answer -
Show him the letter you have that he wrote..and then ask him to explain it to you and go from there. Tell him you want him to keep out of your relationship with your girlfriend and to keep a distance from her at all times because it is creating problems for you..if he is any type of decent person he will do so. As for the living arrangement, I don't know what to tell you other than maybe getting a loan from a family member or bank in order to move out immediately. But if you handle this in the right way,you can possibly hold out until your finances are able to get you into another place.  

Answer
Thank you for the compliment and youre very welcomed....:) I think you did the right thing..and the reason why he's upset is because he got caught....he was exposed and has the nerve to feel that he has been betrayed. You're calm because you have done nothing wrong...and you know that in your heart it is only out of good intentions that you are bringing all this out into the open. As I've said before, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing"..and you can obviously see the results when the hiding has to come out into the open. It makes people mad, for some reason, because I think they know it's wrong, and no one likes to be wrong, so they justify it or try to...by acting indignant, storming off into the bedroom to think, or acting mad. But it all comes down to the same answer, they were exposed! A lie will always come out, it may take a week, a month or a year, but it comes out eventually, ...Don't allow them to make you feel like you've done something wrong...you haven't, dear...so don't be so hard on yourself. The little flirtatious game is over now for them...
One bit of advice though, let it go for now...but keep an eye on your girlfriend because she doesn't sound as innocent as you make her out to be...it takes two and she also had a part in the little game being played..you know...? And if you don't back off a little bit, they could very well justify whatever might happen in the future by saying.."well, he accused us so might as well doit" sort of thing. Believe me, that's just how people can be...Take care