Expert: Don - 8/22/2007

Question
I am in a quandry. I met a person 3 months ago- and believed him to be "the one". Our lives have crossed, unbeknownst to us, in three different states,  he went to the same junior  high school as my best friend, etc.- yet we met in our 40's. I also lost my significant  other  to pancreatic cancer four months before meeting my boyfriend. It was difficult, because my deceased boyfriend was a high profile professional, and my  loss very  public. My new boyfriend and I spend each waking moment together. Our children have  also bonded.  We have been in a committed relationship for a  year.  But there were signs.....His ex-girlfriend/mother of his children made it a point to  stop by before we left for a trip so she could - in part-  tell me that  he cheated on her, made her sleep on the floor, threatened to stop  seeing his son if she took him to court for child support - and other horrible  things.  She is often nasty to me- I chalked it up to  jealousy.  Then I found out that my ex has sex videotapes of about 40 past sexual partners - stemming back to the 1980's. It seems as if he has  taped everyone he has been with - and he keeps them indefinitely (which is consistent, because he has every paycheck he has ever received; check he has ever written; details of small details of his life written and collected).  He has a photo album of all of his ex's, as well.  What is suprising, is how  homely they are.  He is very attractive- and I wondered if he purposely chose women with low self-esteem. He claimed he was faithful to his last girlfriend, but I found sex pics on the computer with an obese, unattractive woman -which were taken during his relationship. He was also on a subscription based, online dating site, during his last relationship before ours.  He told me that he realized he did not want to marry his ex and, thus, never asked her to be his girlfriend nor entered a  committed relationship. A set of knives appeared in his home, he hugged me and asked how I liked them - telling me  they were from his son. In actuality, they were from the ex before me.
Last Wednesday- I was  at trial at an away court - so we did not see each other for four days. He called to tell me he could not stand being apart from me, and that he wanted me to consider us  marrying before the end of the year. He told me not to drag my young children over that night, for he would come spend the night the next day.  I had a sitter, and decided to suprise him. As  I pulled up, I had a sinking feeling- not sure why.  I placed my key in the door and heard a female say,  "Who is that"? I found my boyfriend in bed, naked, with another woman. He told me "this is exactly what it looks like". The woman and I introduced ourselves - she said she did not know he had a girlfriend.  As she was putting on her clothing - he called her name (not sure why). He told me, oddly- that they  had known each other for a long time - she concurred.  She left, and he told me how devastated he  was - that he loves me dearly; that he  makes poor, impulsive choices; that he  has never been caught in bed and how awful that it was with the woman he has  loved the strongest. After my fierce questioning - he told me  he ran into her at a shopping store, and that she worked at a local hospital.  I  went to  the  room, and called her on his cell - she laughed at  the store comment and said he called her the night before, and told her she  could - at times, sleep  over and leave for work from his place. She  told a past girlfriend caught him bringing her to his home- but never like this. He told me this was true - and this woman has never minded being the backdoor woman.  I do not know what I am  dealing with; who he is.  The videos all have a very impersonal quality to them - even the same sheets, and he is saying the same things. It makes me  feel something is "off" about  him. Yesterday, he  walked in the house to hear me telling my out of  town girlfriend what  happened. He was outraged.   He immediately left the house, telling me "I can't be around you  right now." He doesn't want to hear about it (after 4 days) - no throwing it in his face, and he doesn't  want me to tell anyone else so they "know his character". I am in a quandry. I  love him, want  to believe it  was a mistake, that it will not happen again, that he  loves me.....I feel like a fool for the  same.  I am attractive, successful -  and  from the beginning of our relationship, I  told him that I do not want to date  anyone who hates women (or has even been told that). I need the  guidance of an arm's length stranger, as I  am so sad. I look forward to your directness.

Answer
You asked me to be direct so I'm going be direct as possible. You'd be a fool to stay with this man. First off he cheated on you and then lied about who the girl was. Then he admitted that he has had this girl on the side as his backdoor woman for years, so you have no real idea as to how long he's been sleeping with other women behind your back.

The fact that he has made over 40 X-rated videos with woman and their all generic and impersonal shows that those tapes are just made for his own self love and are disrespectful to those women. He's not taping them to show the love they share but mainly just to do it for his own personal satisfaction.

You even have past records of him cheating in past relationships, with the pictures you found of him cheating on his previous girlfriend.

All of these show a pattern with this guy, a pattern of cheating and mistrust.

I couldn't see how you could give him another chance, with all the evidence against him. He just doesn't appear to be a good guy.

I hope this helped and good luck.