Expert: Dr. Lace Wilson, D.Div., C.Ht., M.C.C. - 11/11/2004

Question
What are the general signs in men age 18-21 of cheating, and does obsessiveness and possesiveness play into this?

Answer
Hi Dani,

Thank you for your question - and a tough question it is!  There is really no clean cut answer to this; all men are different so the signs that one man may be exhibiting might not be the signs that another will.  However, it's been my experience that you can better "read" into a person by their emotional actions than you can physical.  For instance...

A lot of people associate their partner coming in late, staying after work too long, making excuses as to why they didn't call or show up on time, etc. as cheating.  In some cases it is, but not in most.  Here are some of the top emotional signs you can look for that might lead you in the right direction:

He might be being nicer, sweeter or more attentive to you than he usually is.  If you're in a long-term relationship and have been together for quite some time, this is usually the first tip-off.  Your partner feels guilty for what he's doing behind your back.

On the other extreme...

He might be going out of his way to cause arguments and pick fights between you.  He sees this as giving him a reason to end the relationship or continue cheating without feeling any guilt.  "Hey, it's her fault, we always fight...I'm just not happy anymore and want something else."

If the "other woman" is someone that you know (maybe someone he goes to college with, works with, family friend, etc.) - he might be either talking about her a good bit with you, telling you positive things about her in hopes that you might want to hang out with her more.  Sounds weird, I know, but you'd be surprised how many people who are having affairs do this.  By bringing the other person into their relationship with their partner as a "friend," it gives them a reason to associate with them more without you feeling suspcious.  Again, on the other extreme, he may be constantly putting her down and saying negative things about her to you in hopes that you'll assume "well there's no way he likes her if this is how he really feels about her."  I see this constantly too when working with clients.

If you both live together, there are a few subconscious psychological things you can look for that he may be doing.  For instance, if you find that he's freqently closing the bathroom or bedroom door while using those rooms - when he usually didn't before - this may be telling you something.  It's a subconscious thing that cheaters tend to do while having an affair.  It's a sort of "distancing" from their partners.

If he acts guilty or "put off" when you do something nice for him such as cooking him dinner or buying him a surprise gift.  This forces cheaters to think about what they're doing and they start doubting themselves.

In general, just keep your eye out for changes that he may make.  He might start watching different TV shows or movies, listening to new kinds of music or bands, using different words or phrases...all things he never did before.  If he's spending a lot of time with her, he'll start adapting to her likes and her personality.

I wish I could give you more grounded information here, Dani, but it's difficult - as like I said, all people and situations are different.  If you'd like to, feel free to get in touch with me again to give more detail about your situation...I might be able to help more in that case.

If this is the last I hear from you, I wish you the best of luck in getting to the bottom of your situation!  

Best Regards,
Mr. Lace Wilson, D.Div, C.Ht, MA