Expert: Courtney - 11/22/2001

Question
    Ok. Here's my story. I am a 24 year old guy who like this 33 year old woman. She works in the same building as me and we have known each other for over a year. We have been friends, but I bagan to like her more than that. Her current condition is that she is still recovering from a 7 year relationship that ended a year ago. She is still hung up though as he continues to call her and try to lead her on. Of course, he is with this other girl who is now 6 months pregnant...one of the girls he cheated with while my friend and him were still together. The point is she has been mistreated and hurt so badly that she is both hung up a little on the other guy (saying how she thinks deep down part of her still loves him) and she is also petrified of starting over.
    It took me a little, but I was able to coax her to hang out as friends. On our third hangout, I decided to tell her that I did like her, but no matter what wanted her to be a friend. She did reciprocate the feeling of liking me, but said that she was just too confused right now and wouldn't want to hurt me, especially someone like me. We hung out once more and I planned this romantic candlelit picnic near this waterfall and dam. It was so perfect, yet right before we arrived, she said how she gave it a lot of thought and thought we should just remain friends. She did say that I should be flattered that during all of her confusion, I actually made it into her head. Her reasoning for not becoming more was mainly out of fear....she claimed stage of life because her last guy was younger and ended up doing what he did.....she didn't want to get involved and for me to realize that i didn't want her and leave her like her two other long-term relationships. Both ended in cheating and must have devastated her immensely. I, as a younger guy, could bounce back better than her by that point. I went through with the evening nonetheless and it was just nice. I wanted to treat her nice as a friend or whatever. I truly care about her and had no other ulterior motives than to make her feel special.
    That was the end of June. After that, we continued to talk at work and on the phone occassionally. I tried to get her to go out again, but it never worked out. Part of it was that she didn't want to go out sometimes. She liked to be alone at times. She told me that she would call me when she was up to it. I told her how many girls have said that before and not meant it..I just wanted her to be honest....but she swore that she was different and was genuine in her promise.
    Now, at work, we always behave so differently. We never let anyone know that we really know each other or are even friends. When we get time alone, then we get the chance to talk. She has an image at work, not letting on to still being hung up on this guy because it could be seen as weakness. She does trust me though and I know her more than anyone in the workplace.
    Recently, she wrote me an email when I was online saying she needed to talk to someone and asked me to call. I immediately called and was met with her crying on the other end. She was just having a bad emotional day and needed to vent to someone who understood her and who cared. She opened up to me more than ever and it was even surprising because I was guy that showed an interest in her. She even said how she let me and only me in out of all the guys that were interested. So, I helped her out and she was appreciative.
    Now, I am very confused about things. At work, she can go from saying nothing to me and having no eye contact to very positive communication. It even seems like a lot of times she goes out of her way to get my attention or looks in my direction. And she is not one to play games.
    So here are my ?s....
    1. Why do u think she is comfortable enough to reveal her true self to me, yet never wants to go out even as friends? (i am giving her so much space and am no threat at all...hurting my feelings is not even a threat either because I can be just friends! I enjoy having a person I could trust myself!)
     2. How do u think I should behave at work or outside of work? Should I pretend a little disinterest to peak her interest again? should I always be there for her? What should I do?

THanx for reading this long thing and helping in any way you can

JOHN

Answer
Dear John,
Honestly, I have no idea why she's so comfortable revealing all to you, but never wants to go out. That seriously boggles my mind.
Outside of that, I think you should feign a little disinterest at work. Maybe her interest will peak and she'll give chase again. Outside of work, I think you should make sure that she understands you will always be there for her, and that if she wants to maybe try a relationship with you, you're open game. Play coy at work, then when you're alone, do what you'd normally do. Maybe it'll spark her interest again.
I don't really think I was much help, hopefully I was, but feel free to email me again with more questions or a follow up on how things are going!
good luck,
Courtney