Expert: Dr. Lace Wilson, D.Div., C.Ht., M.C.C. - 11/8/2004

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 11 months. During 6 months into our relationship, he had to go away for 2 months (the summer) to work. Before he went away, we pretty much spent every second together. I can say that to this day, we have never gotten into a fight - until now. But even still, he won't argue back because of what he did was wrong. We're best friends, and are so much in love. ANYWAY, about 7.5 months into our relationship he snapped. He cheated on me 5 times. 3 different girls, 3 times with one girl. Well, he didn't go to the distance to have sex, but it was much more than a kiss. It was oral sex or a handjob each time. In the summer we had only seen eachother 2 times. But then I came down once to see him, well sorta, because I came down because I had a tournament about 45 minutes away, but he came to visit me. We didn't fool around at all when he came down. And that night, he went out with one girl. The other times was before and after that incident - all within a week. I know he regrets what he did. However, I didn't find out about this until 1.5 months after the incident - from a friend of his who found out from the girls. He tells me he was going to tell me, but he was too much of a coward. It was AMAZING when he came back from the summer. I have never felt so much in love with him. And then I found out this and my world got flipped around. He's been going to counselling and we're going to go as couples together eventually. He also has been very communicative about everything. He's doing everything he can to gain back my trust. I just find it really hard to trust him at times because of the images i get in my head. I talked to one of the girls (the 3 times one) and she said she knew he had a gf (they all knew he had a gf). They also all made the first moves on him. He was weak to the sin I guess, and it became his master. Whatever?! So I also found out that she lied to me about what they did. When I first found out, i only knew it was 3 girls, so i assumed 3 times. But then I found out that there were 2 other times - my bf admitted that to me. We've been dealing with the situation for a little over a month now. But how do i know he won't do it again? He's got a nice sexual history behind him before us - and kissed a girl while dating another girl, but he knew they were gonna break up because that girl cheated on him many times and he still gave her a chance. I just don't know how I can get those immages outta my head? How to trust him alone? (he has no social life without me.) We can talk great. but sometimes I get too angry. Irrational. Just how do I deal with the pain? And even so, how can he deal? THANKS!  

Answer
Hi Heather,

Thank you for your question.

First of all, let me say that I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you and your boyfriend are in at the moment.  Trust me, I know how painful and difficult it is, I've been there before myself.  There are very few things worse than feeling betrayed - especially by someone who you consider your best friend, soulmate and partner - someone who you share the most intimate part of you with.  As I'm sure you know, there are no easy or magical answers or resolutions to this situation.  Rebuilding a relationship - if that's what the both of you want to do - takes a lot of patience, courage, honesty...and pain.

It's important for you to understand that when someone cheats on you - it truly has very, very little to do with YOU.  And, despite what people say, it honestly has NOTHING to do with love.  If someone cheats, it doesn't mean they don't truly love the person they cheated on.  Love has nothing to do with cheating, as crazy as it sounds.  People cheat for a multitude of reasons; all of them boil down to one issue - insecurity and low self-esteem.  All of us want to feel attractive, sexy, wanted by others...and some people just can't seem to put that into perspective for themselves.  They jump at the opportunity to have someone be attracted to them - which is what it sounds is happening in your boyfriend's case.  I noticed that you said all of the girls approached him first, made the first move - which does indeed seem to verify that your boyfriend most likely has self-esteem and insecurity issues.

Now you might be saying "there's no way!  he's very sure of himself, confident, happy, etc." (as this is the case with a lot of people as well).  If your boyfriend doesn't feem to fit the "stereotype" of someone with insecurity/self-esteem issues, it doesn't really mean much of anything.  Some of the most outwardly confident people are harboring the absolute worst self-esteem issues you could imagine.

If you're with me so far and what I'm saying is sort of making a bit of sense...here's the next step.  And it's a real whammy.  Ready for it?  Try to put your feelings hurt, anger and betrayal aside for a bit and focus on your boyfriend.  You must realize that his cheating as absolutely NOTHING to do with you, Heather.  It does not mean that you're not a good girlfriend, that you're not making him happy enough, that you're not what he's looking for, so on.  In reality, it has nothing to do with you at all.  Some people find this concept difficult to grasp, others find it to be a real weight lifted off of their shoulders.  Try your best to put your feelings as the "victim" aside for right now and try to focus as your boyfriend as the "victim" here instead.  I know what you're thinking, I've thought it too!  But, hear me out...

Think of what you're boyfriend has done to himself, to you and to your relationship.  And I mean really, really think about it.  Who shouldn't feel sorry for someone in his shoes right now?  He's nearly ruined a wonderful, strong relationship - broke the heart of the woman who loves him - the list goes on and on.  Whereas you haven't done anything wrong and are fighting tooth and nail to try to work with him here.  

I know it's very difficult to swallow, but it's very much the truth.  It's going to be near impossible to repair what you've both lost without dropping your anger, hurt and resentment (at least for the time being) and try to resolve whatever issues he's having within himself that's causing him to do these things.  Like I said, it really has nothing to do with you...his actions are a result of how he feels about himself on the inside, parts of him that he more than likely doesn't show to the rest of the world (yes, even to you).

Now to answer your specific questions...let me say in advance that although I always approach things with the utmost compassion, sometimes things are hard to hear.  I'll always tell you the truth in the matter.

You asked how will you know that he won't do it again?  There's no answer to that, dear heart.  You can't possibly know that.  And either can anyone else - including him - at least not until he's worked through the issues he's having within himself.  Even people in very, very committed relationships for many years can't know for sure whether there will be cheating in the future between them.  But, on the same token, this shouldn't be a reason for you NOT to try your best to work with him on rebuilding your relationship (if rebuilding it is something you both want).  There are no guarantees in life. If we don't take life day by day in fear that we'll get hurt somewhere along the line, think of all of the wonderful moments we'd be missing out on!

Regarding the "images" you can't seem to get out of your head - oh, trust me, I know exactly what you're going through.  There are a few things that you can do about this that may help you - depending on how you tend to deal with things, some will apply to you more than others.  Use what you feel will help and discard the rest, okay?  1)  Some people find it very helpful if they are able to know ALLLL the details about what went on between their partner and the other woman (or, in your case, women).  It's true that our imagination has an evil vendetta against us - we'll imagine everything possible to torment ourselves - most of the time, we over exaggerate what we imagine.  It's our natural habits to "what if..." everything and play it to the worst case scenario to see how we can stomach it.  If he hasn't told you all of the details that occured - you MAY find it helpful to sit down and speak with him honestly about it.  Tell him that you NEED to know to be able to deal with it and move on.  Again, some people find this very helpful while others don't even want to attempt it at all.  It's up to you.  2)  There's this word in the psychology field - "desensitization" - which basically means that we think about something or do something so often (always something that pains us or causes us anxiety) to the point where we desensitize ourselves from it so it no longer causes negative feelings.  This will also happen for you naturally - the more you see those images of them together, the less they will be as painful over time.  You can do this both with what you imagine them doing or with what they have actually done (if your boyfriend discusses it with you).

As far as how your boyfriend can deal - I can't really answer that for you at this point because I haven't spoken with him.  I don't know what he's going through right now to be able to give you advice and suggestions on what he can do to help himself and to help the relationship.  

I tell you what, Heather.  It's difficult to address all of the complicated, intricate things involved in this situation just within one e-mail.  You mentioned that you both were considering counseling (note that individual as well as couples counseling will probably be the most benefit for you both).  If it's something you would want to consider - if you feel comfortable with my approach and manner - I do offer counseling services through my private practice in which I give large discounts to clients who come to me through AllExperts.com.  I can work with you both individually as well as together via e-mail or IM if it's something you would like to consider.  Please know I mention it purely as an offer - whether it's something you would like to do or not, I'll always do what I can and give my best to help you in this situation.  There's just so many things that need discussed and worked through that can't even be touched on in a single e-mail.  You can contact me at my private e-mail: lwilson1826@yahoo.com.

I hope that my reply has shed a bit of light for you or perhaps made you feel a bit more hopeful.  Above all else, know that you're not alone, dear heart.  Every day is new chance to tackle what we're faced with and to turn a negative into a positive.  You'll find comfort to know that those couples who can work through this sort of thing often find their "new" relationship to be so much more fulfilling and intimate afterwards.  I can tell that you love your boyfriend very, very much...and I'm sure he loves you just as well.  Love can conquer many things.  Just have faith, have hope and have the strength to work through the difficulties, dear heart.

Again, thank you for contacting me and feel free to get in touch again!  I wish you both the absolute best if this is the last I hear from you!

Best Regards,
Dr. Lace Wilson, D.Div, C.Ht, MA