Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/25/2007

Question
My boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me about 7 months ago. It's a complicated story, but  he was using drugs and drinking alot during the time it all occurred. We lived together and he worked long days in order to pay our rent because I am a full time student. At one point the long days got even longer and I started to get suspicious.At the time I didn't realize he was using drugs. He was always tired, but I just thought he was working his ass off and I was so appreciative because he supported me financially. I started checking his phone, but he would keep it locked or it was obvious things were erased. At this point I became crazy. I lived my life for months searching through clothes and his car, but I never found anything incriminating. But I could feel it. We ended up breaking up several times because I knew something was up. I ended up finding a myspace page that he had, that I never knew existed!! It was awful. The images are unforgettable. I stayed at my brothers house often but still came home to him because at that point he admitted to using drugs, so I wanted to help him. The turning point occurred when he relapsed and I walked into my apartment and one of his female co- workers was sitting on MY COUCH. I moved my stuff out the next week and changed my phone number. My boyfriend contacted everyone in my family to find me. He emailed me and made his myspace page a pathetic shrine to me. After a month of his begging and crying. I took him back. We went to couples counseling, and he hasn't touched drugs or alcohol in 6 months. He's pretty much confessed everything he's willing to. I don't really want details anyway. I spoke to a few of the girls and things weren't as bad as I thought(so I'm told). In all honesty I've never felt closer to him and we've never been so much in love at this point.He has and is willing to do anything to make me trust him again. I have all the passwords and phone bills blah blah.. But I'm still not comfortable. I can't get the images  out of my mind, and I always feel like he's being sneaky. I feel weird checking his phone bill ect. Thats not normal!!! but I don't know what else to do. We're planning on continuing counseling, but I'm starting to feel hopeless. I'm exhausted from all the anxiety. I just want to feel normal again. Do people actually have normal relationships after something like this occurs?


Answer
Yes, people can live in a normal relationship after a situation like this.  It does take a lot of time.  It is wonderful that he is trying to make you feel like he loves you.  That is very important.  Men who are in an affair have a hard time faking it.  They may go through the motions but the emotion is not there.  You should be able to feel the difference.  You have to know that the urge to search through everything is absolutely normal.  The victim of cheating always has the need to do that.  It too will subside over time.  If you really love him and he loves you then you have to take a chance.  If it does not feel real then you should probably move on.  Good luck.