Expert: Sam E - 4/7/2007

Question
QUESTION: My fiance cheated on his ex-wife (not with me) twice.  He told me about this and I have been having problems believing that he won't do the same thing to me.  In our relationship he genuinely seems to walk the talk.  He proves his love for me and swears that he will never cheat on me.  Yet, I have doubts.  He did it before, not once but twice.   His relationship was not warm or loving so I can understand the desire to step out, but I can't understand actually doing it... and the twice part is what really kills me.  I'm afraid that my lack of trust will be the undoing of the relationship.  I feel like I am punishing him for something that he did to someone else.  I simply do not know how to get over this knowledge.   It is completely incongruous with the man that I know.  He is good, consistent, solid, warm, loving, affectionate, kind and yet he did this in his past.
ANSWER: You can’t punish him for what he did in a prior relationship. It will ruin your relationship with him now.  He obviously had falling out of love with her and therefore cheated on her.  Love is what keeps people from cheating. Not control or making them feel bad.  Since he is only longer with her that is evident his love was over! Don’t play Magnum PI with him. Don’t tighten a leash or follow him around because that too will drive you crazy. Lastly and most important, take the focus off of him and put it on you. When you find yourself thinking about this, STOP!  Refocus. Think about something else and remind yourself that his past his is past and that he loves you. You may have to refocus a hundred times a day at first, but after awhile it will lessen and before you know it, it will not be in your mind again.
Hope this helps,
Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He says he never stopped loving her.  And it was she who left him eventually (w/o any knowledge of his trysts).  I don't follow him around or treat him w/distrust.  But I worry.  However, your refocusing makes a lot of sense.  This isn't about him is it. It is about me.   I need to think about that.  Thank you.
ANSWER: Him telling you that he never stopped loving her sheds a new light on this. That would make anybody a little uneasy for sure! This is about you, but it would most likely not be that big of an issue if he had not told you this. So it is about him as well.  If he loves her now it would be very hard to love you 100%. You can’t love more than 1 person and give them both 100%. Although I’m sure he has moved on (I hope anyway) and I hope she has too.
~sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Let me clarify - he said he still loved her when he cheated.  I don't really believe he's over the scars from the relationship, but I believe he is over her now.  

Answer
Oh I see. No, you don’t cheat on people you love. True love is about sacrifice and putting the other persons needs, and feelings above your own. His love may have been fading when he did that and he still had strong feelings for her, but not love. One time of cheating could be considered a HUGE mistake and there are usually variables that helped the person to cheat (such as being drunk, on drugs, peer pressure, fighting with spouse). This is not okay and should raise a red flag, but could be forgiven. However, twice or more is a very clear sign that the love is gone. Feelings can still be there, but not true love.  Does that better make sense to you or did I confuse you more?
Sam