Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/19/2007

Question

Hello, I when I was in my late twenties I broke up with a girl because my family wanted me to basically (for all the wrong reasons they did and have said they were sorry many times).  Well, I'm a very good looking guy, with a good job ($55k), educated etc... I am very picky and one night met a girl who knocked me off my feet.  This is VERY rare. Like 3 times in my life honestly. I ended up talking with her and we really connected on things and I couldnt keep my eyes off her, finally kissing her and I asked her age.  She said 19... I was SHOCKED and said, ohhhhh you are way to young.  Sorry.  Well fast forward a few years and no one else had ever got me really. "You just want to be a playboy" or "You are afraid of commitment" and such from all I dated afterwards.  Well I just didnt feel they were the "right ones". I was always nice, never cheated, always polite, but just said, I wasnt ready.  Well this girl it comes to find out.  Married a black guy who had two kids and was 12 years her senior!  Not a great looking guy either, but she had a serious case of rebellion... after meeting her family (father was a drill sergent for a time) I def understand why.  Well she is in the service and was always faithful to him and he was never and was violent physically and mentally. I had heard this from so many people who did know him I know this to be the case.  Well she got a divorce and I was like, "shit, here it goes, a girl who knocks me off my feet, and is faithful, and would love to be treated well".  She had a small fling after her divorce for a few weeks and she got here and we dated.  I did things I've never done.  Said I love you, gave her a key to my house, let her park in my driveway, etc... anything and everything that any girl I'd ever dated asked for.  She was happy at first, but got to be very mean at random times. I never understood it... she said she'd been in counseling for it because of her 4 year marriage that was so rough.  To me she was definitely acting like how he had treated her... I even said to her a few times, "who are you arguing with right now?" She said I had issues and continued.  Finally we fought almost daily. We were engaged for months and I finally after about a solid week of yelling, embarrassment, and walking on eggshells I took the ring back.  She was like, "FINE!" and her family hated me because I wasnt "military" and introduced her to many guys in the service... mind you she is IN the service also.  Well a few days later we got back together but only as "dating" and we had another blow up - and she went to training for 2 weeks. She said she just needed time to herself and not to talk to her those two weeks.  Well she was emailing some guys that her family had introduced her to.  Including someone 5 years younger then her 25.  She got back, and we were offical again and I found out she had emailed some of them a few times after she seemed to act very odd and one of them msg'd her when I was looking up the weather on her PC.  I then opened and read her emails with those guys.  Her msgs went something like this, "My sister is right you are very good looking, maybe we can meet and going singing together?" and such.  Of course not telling me.  We again argued, mostly with me not moving with her to go active duty (mind you I make a LOT more then she does, and have a very good happy job here, let alone a huge family around me). She said I had to support her career. Well I confronted her about the emails and we broke up.  Two weeks later she texted me that she wants to see me.  I cave and she says she'll never do it again.  Well I find out that about a month later, she calls and meets up with one of them under her sisters pushing.  Nothing happens but I saw his name/number on her phone.  I tell her she is disrespecting me, and our relationship and must not talk to those 3 people she was introduced too during our breakup.  She says I'm controlling like her ex-husband and needed friends.  I tell her thats it then.  Well she ends up seeing the 21 year old (5 years younger) for two months basically and then calls me.  She wants me to take her back. She made the biggest mistake of her life, she has forgiven her husband and knows she was wrong on always fighting and she felt she was projecting her ex and thats over now. She isnt angry anymore.  She would erase all contact with anyone I said, give me all her id/passwords to everything, and can always check her phone - even her phone record online. Anything. She was so wrong and knows I treated her like gold and just begged bawling for me to give her just one chance.  I against my better judgement did.  She has not had the anger issues, nothing has shown up on anything she has, and she'd point blank in front me told her mother and family to stop getting involved or pressuring her about who to date and will not be around them if they plan on "inviting" anyone there period.  She seems sincere, but to me - it was, well, I'll see what its like and it sucked so here I am.  She says she couldnt forgive her ex and had so much anger and our breakup she just searched to pin everything on me, and the more she did the more she realized it was her.  Her ex had called and said he was sorry and she couldnt stop thinking about me - and that meant something to her.  I've never seen her cry or beg or anything and she is trying harder then I've ever seen.  And here's the "but" of all it.

I'm devastated  that she slept with this guy she was talking to behind my back.  Now she waited till we werent together, but 2 weeks later she did... and to me - thats still cheating, even if it started emotionally. I am sickened everything I think about it.  I cant even kiss her... she said she doesnt know what the hell she was doing, and it just happened, wasnt planned, and her eyes are so open now.  All her friends, but not family, said they've never seen a boyfriend treat someone so wonderfully, but she had issues.

What I wonder is this.  If I cant understand the "why", when will I ever feel trust again?  I dont know what triggers it completely.

Does that count as cheating 2 or 3 times or is it just once? Sort of our first breakup, then meeting a month later with her family?  And a phone call later?

Is it really possible to change?  Honestly does it EVER work out?  Ever?

Thanx,
Bryant

Answer
If you were together when it happened then it was cheating. And yes, you can work it out if you two are truly in love.  Trust is difficult when some one cheats because you never know if or when it will happen again.  Infidelity is so shrouded in lies that it makes it difficult to ever trust again.  It will take time.  That is if you are willing to be in this relationship.  You have to trust your feelings.  If you sense that something is not right, then it probably is not.  You have to talk with her adult to adult.  If she is mature enough to make it work then you will be OK.  You have to be willing to make some very difficult decisions if you find out something that you really do not want to know.  Good luck.