Expert: RITA - 4/16/2004

Question
I was with my boyfriend for two years.  We met in high and then decided to go to the same college.  We were engaged after our first year.  We had some bumps in the road but as the wedding got closer it seemed as if our relationship was almost perfect.  The day after my birthday we had an amazing night together I found out three days later that on that same night he had gone out to a club and was seen kissing another girl.  What makes it worse is that when I confronted him about it he denied it.  He even denied it to the person who had seen him and who he had said hi to that night.  After days of arguing I got him to admit what he had done.  I called off the wedding and broke upwith him for about a month.  A week after he cheated on me my grandmother died.  That's why I think that I took him back so soon.  We were together for two months but I couldn't trust him.  Even when we break up I find myself still seeing him, it's as if I can't live without him but at the same time I still can't forget what he did.  As of right now we are taking some time off.  He has told me that when I am ready all I need to do is call him and he'll be their waiting to get back with me.  How can I learn to trust him again and how do I reassure myself that when he tells me he loves me and that he will never cheat again and that he truley regerets it and that he still wants to marry me if it's the truth?

Answer
Hi Vanessa and thank you for your question, I'll try to help.
First of all, I'm so sorry that you have been going through this type of situation in your life...it's so hard to deal with a betrayel, especially when it is done by someone we love. And in this situation, I think the taking some time off is really necessary, and a good idea for you both.
You have to really do some soul searching, and look deep into yourself and the relationship and think how you might learn and grow from this...all painful experiences are actually lessons we can learn something about ourselves and others from.
You two are both very young, and being so young it is sometimes better to wait until you are able to make such a big decision in your life. Marriage is TOTAL AND ABSOLUTE COMMITTMENT..TO ONE PERSON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Do you get how I emphasized this? Your fiance' might have had a indescretion, a dumb one, but still it was a mistake, maybe by the thought that he wasn't going to be single and free anymore. At your ages, you two won't think the same in 5, 10 or 20 years...meaning you change dramatically and the way you think now won't be the same later on in life. So  for you, you will be able to live without him, believe it or not..but that's a decision you have to make. If you can't trust him, let him go, and get on with your life, but if he is truly sorry for his behavior you might try to find it in your heart to forgive him, after all you say that you love him, right? But just give it time and little by little you will know what's right for you...take care and I hope I helped.