Expert: Sam E - 2/26/2007

Question
I'm 29 & staying together with my bf(29) from beginning of our relationship. I'm not a virgin the moment I'm dating him. He is otherwise. I'm the first gf and still virgin at that moment. Till today we been together for almost ten years.

Suddenly, bang!!! He cheating on me. Previously after five years we've been together, he starting to involved with chatting online. As a result he ended up sleeping with one (once)of the chatting friend (Jun 2003). He do confess to me (Nov 2005) after two years keeping it as secret. Before confessing, I've going trough a situation that really hard to understand. Its was period of difficult time which his eyes seem always full of anger, asking me to give him more space and he totally cannot put his eyes on mine.  The  moment He confess, he told me that was only physical and nothing to do with feelings. Even thou that women begging to be with him, he refused to leave me.

He telling me that those thing happen as a mistake and a way for him to learn about life. For past two years he keep it as secret because our life is not really stable at that moment and afraid i might leaving him.

for your info, our previous years is so difficult which we still very young and trying hard to establish our life. From zero, together we built our own company with 9 workers inside.

At this state, I forgive him...

2 month passing by, his close grandmother past away (Jan 2006) without he having a chance to meet her.. he was so devastated, frustrating and totally sad with the event.

Starting from this moment, once again I've sense that something is not quite right with our relationship. He starting to withdraw from me and i realize that he start to   close friend with one of our female worker.

(Jun 2006) Once again he confess to me that he already declare(2 week) to the female worker he is in love with her and that girl having the same feeling towards him. He also telling me that it doest involve sex. Well.. honestly I don't know what to say. He also telling me that the feeling came from pity because that girl used to told him how her bf treat her badly.

This time, I'm so crush because  everything happen in front of my eyes. that girl used to ask for my help and shockingly she do giving me a hint by saying that she don't mind to be second as long a guy can provide her a better life.  For the experience, I do admit that Emotional betrayal is more painful than sexual betrayal .

Once again I forgive him with not much trust left..

The moment my bf with this girl, he confess with me that he totally cannot focus with his work. Feeling of guilty haunted him. He do tell me that how is it feel to involve with 3 things that always can destroy marriage. First, fucking around. Second, when heart divided to someone else and third lies. For your info too he always trying to understand those 3 thing because his father live in this kind of life and his mother constantly been abuse by his father. His childhood is full with abusive (no matter how his father is, deep down he really love him) . He do telling me that he don't want me to become like his mother. So he must learn about life before deciding to settle down. He also telling me that he want a person that really can understand him and until he really understand what life is all about, he will never married.

From the moment he confess (they were broke up in front of me)till (Oct 2006)slowly i experience his changes. he become more calm, getting close back with me like long time before. more open and always trying to spend more quality time with me. He still with the chatting online activity (sometimes).

Jan 2007. I'm going back to my hometown. After do some checking, I find out that he engage on phone with chatting friend for hours (right after I'm leaving the house). I also find out on the same day,he do registered for adultfriendfinder with attention to have 1 on 1 sex partner. I confront him & he just quite about his chatting friend. About adultfriendfinder, he told me that he don't really understand why he registered that.

3 Feb 2007. One day, one of his chatting friend trying to call him. That moment he is not around so i pick up the hp. So i asking the girl who she is? That girl(42 years old) telling me that there were only friend and my bf used to told her about me. About how he really regrets with what he has done and how he really appreciate that I'm still around supporting him. This girl also telling me that my bf talking about a plan to married me by 2007 which he never mention anything about that with me. He also telling this girl that how rushing he is because not much time left for him to prepared for the marriage.

5 Feb 2007 till Now, he is at his hometown. Busy & very productive with our new business planning & new big project(3D animation for TV series.

So, the big question is... Can I still put my trust to this man. Is he already learn his lesson?  

Answer
It’s not about lessons being learned. Its about love and respect. Its about you loving and respecting yourself.  If he is cheating on you that should tell you that he does not have the love and respect that you deserve. You need to ask yourself why would you stay with a man who clearly has no respect for you ? Childhood abuse, although tragic, is not an excuse for being unfaithful. I personally know many, many men  who love and respect their partner 100% and have been faithful throughout years and years of marriage and dating. Some of these men have been near death because of abuse.  
He cheated on you twice and is obviously still looking to do some more cheating! There is a clear pattern here!
I suggest you separate from him. You both need to really think about the future of this relationship. It doesn’t sound like he is ready to settle down and he has major issues that he needs to deal with. I think he is capable of being faithful, just not to you. Once was enough. When he did it again you should have walked. he knows that he can keep doing it.
Do yourself a favor and let him go. You will only get hurt.
~Sam