Expert: Don - 6/29/2007

Question
QUESTION: I met my boyfriend M. at work 4 1/2 yrs. ago. He had been seeing this girl for 6 1/2 yrs. She had 2 kids that weren't his and he'd been raising them since they were 4 & 5 yrs. old. At first, all he would was praise this girl, how wonderful she was & how happy they were. So, I took it upon myself to convince him that NO ONE could be as happy as he claimed to be. Well, after we became friends, he confided in me one night that he wanted to leave this girl to be with me. So, I helped him end it with her. Yet, 6 mths. later, he moved her into his rental home - kids and all. Within a year, I gave him an ultimatum - her or me. To which he packed up and moved in with me. Yet, he told this girl he was moving out to live with his best friend, to figure things out. So, for the 3 mths. he lived with me, he was visiting & helping her out with out me knowing. Until, he left to go back with her. Then 1 1/2 moths later, he came back to me. Which lasted for 6 mths, until he started seeing her again......this lasted for 6 more mths. of sneaking around, until, the day before New Year's 2005-2006, I caught him and threw his ass out. He moved back in with her. But, all the time, he kept saying that he only kept in touch with her because he felt bad for the kids......Not because he loved her. Yet, I found out, he was picking her up from work, taking her out on dates & making out with her. Still claiming that it was all an act because he felt sorry for her. Then, I come to find out, he'd been telling this girl that he wasn't in love with me....Calling me horrible things - things she taped him saying. Well, since we worked in the same place, it was hard to keep our distance.....and, after he begged me for a chance to talk to me....I gave in and forgave him. But, by then, I was moving to another city & seeing another guy.....So, I gave him an ultimatum.....And, after living 6 mths with this girl, she found out he was still seeing me, and threw him out and has been living with me ever since......This drama went on from 2003-2006.
Now, we live 30 min. away from where the ex lives.....I relocated jobs,, but, he stayed at the same place - which is a 5 min. drive from her......It has been exactly a year since the ex threw him out.....And, it seems he hasn't seen her again.....But, he won't get rid of the things he kept with her - for example, pictures, letters, stuffed animals....Plus, he is always distant........And, moody.....Sometimes, he's ok, and affectionate.....But, 9 times out of 10, he's moody and always getting high...Could he be cheating on me with someone else? Or, is he still thinking about his ex? Will he EVER forget her and those damn kids ( who are 15 & 16 yrs. old, now )? This girl was his first EVERYTHING....He'd been with her for 10 yrs. ( he's 30 mow ) - with the last 3 years being off and on.....We have been together off and on for 4 yrs....our relationship isn't prefect, we fight more than anything, but that's because, he won't let go of his past! Can our relationship survive? Especially, since he has never been on his own & has jumped from one relationship, straight into another relationship.....I am worried.....What do you suggest? AM I worried over nothing? How can I make him see that leaving her was the right thing?
Please help...I don't want to lose him!
Lenny

ANSWER: I'm sorry I can't help you, because are in the wrong in this situation.

You make it out that the lady and her children are the bad guys in this when you are the one who has been doing wrong from the start. You knew he had a girlfriend when you met him, yet you still chose to get involved with him, as a matter of fact you said you took it upon yourself to prove that he couldn't be happy with her. My question is why, why did you not want him to be happy? Why did you try to become involved with him when you knew he had a girlfriend.

I can't help you because you're the person that is wrong here, you aren't the victim, if anybody is it's the lady and her kids because of you, he's out of their lives.

Sorry, I wish you good luck but I can't offer you any advice to help you keep him.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Of course, I wanted him to be happy......
All I wanted him to see was that he had options....that he didn't have to stay with the first woman he slept with....And, that all relationships were flawed...His relationship wasn't healthy.......He claimed that they NEVER argued, that they compromised and met 50-50.....And, that she was "perfect" in every way and that in the 6 1/2 yrs. he'd been with her, he had NEVER cheated on her...All I did was make him see how flawed she really was......After he opened his eyes, he saw he wasn't really in love.....I made him see he didn't have to take care of other people's problems - AKA, the kids....He fell in love with me all on his own...If that is considered wrong, then, I am wrong..I was just there to help him realize & make the changes.....I respect that you can't help me...But, do you think that he will or could do the same thing to me in the future? Or, that he will resent me as the years go on?

Answer
I still don't see how or why it was your place to show him how his relationship wasn't perfect. If he was happy and felt it was perfect, why would you interfere with that? Why would you stop a person who is happy even if you don't believe that? The only reason I can see is that you wanted him for yourself so you made it your mission to break him up.

I'll answer your question for you and of course he could do the same thing to you, it's obvious he is easily manipulated if you could so change his mind about a woman who he was dating for 6 and a half years. What's to stop another woman for doing the same thing you did to him, to him in the future? So that could definitely happen.

He could also resent you for turning his happy little world into a world full of drama. Whether you want to believe it or not, maybe he really was happy before you convinced him he wasn't. Maybe he likes to be apart of those kids lives even though you don't think he should be, and he could definitely end up resenting you for taking away not only his happiness but also his family.

So both of those things could easily happen.

Good luck with this relationship either way.