Expert: RITA - 9/22/2004

Question
okay..I am going to apologize now if this gets really long (( I'm so sorry but I have absolutely no where to go & desperately need your help ))..ok my boyfriend slept with my best friend of 5 years one night ...the next morning she called really happy and perky and said hey guess where I just came from ...your boyfriends house !!! I said why? and she was like oh I needed a place to stay b/c it was too late for me to drive so far to my house so he let me sleep on his couch !!! I was like you woke him up @ 3am to stay there when you knew I was up and lived only 1 mile away? she had no explanation & all during the next week he acted super weird and distant & finally told me he slept w/ her...of course I left him...then after this my ex-friend who slept w/ him (kayla) started to send me emails saying yeah i rocked his world, no one can do him better than i did and now you can never have him back and she says she didnt mean to hurt me but then throws it in my face ?!?! why ? Well he begged for a second chance and said he would prove to me he was serious and earn back my trust...he has...The thing is I completely forgive him now but cant forgive kayla...maybe I can forgive him b/c I have made the same mistake before and I know how you can honestly make that big of mistake and hurt someone you really care about without thinking which sounds insane but its true I slept w/ my last boyfriends best friend and it just didnt click in my head what I was doing cuz it hapened so fast and I just got caught up in it...I just never relized how much it hurts and I dont know how to get over it and let go of my anger towards Kayla I want to know about that night i want to talk to him about it but I'm so afraid of talking to him about it and him seeing how hurt I still am by it all that he will say we dont need to be together and I dont want that I just think it would help where I can put it past me and I want to talk to her but she is so about her ego and pride I dont think I could talk to her and get the closer I need with all of this...and I know if I could talk to them about that night...yeah it would be hard...I might not have any doubts anymore and it would be easier to put it behind me cuz my head wouldn't always be full of "WHAT IF'S" and "I WONDER'S"....do you think it would help and that would be smart ? should I just talk to her? not talk to them about it at all?...I mean I am so lost and how do I let go of my anger towards her...I mean she sent me an IM today telling me she knows I hate her but she doesnt care that she is truly sorry to hear about my grandma that died today...I just started crying thinking why ? why did she do what she did ? how could she? what was she thinking or was she? how caould she be so mean to me after everything we have been through in our friendship and everything I have done for her....I just need Ideas on if I should or shouldnt talk to either of them about it and if so how? what do I say to them? and how to let go of my anger towards her before I flip and beat the crap out of her ..I'm not viloent towards anyone and having this kinda anger and hurt inside makes me wanna just cry alll of the time....I'm so sorry this is so long and redundant but I'm so sad and upset and I have no one else to turn to....Thank you so much for even taking time to read this I really apreciate it and thank you ahead of time for any advice you may be able to give me if any at all......


Answer
First of all, your ex-friend, was not a friend to begin with, and all the stuff she said about "rocking his world", ect, obviously it wasn't all that, if he ended up begging your forgiveness and wanting to be back with you, so just chalk that up to her being a hater.
As for him, in my opinion, he's a bit of a loser (sorry), because any guy who sleeps with his womans best friend is just that...and I got no respect for someone like that. But since you decided to forgive and stay with him, just make the best of it, and let it go. You know, he's not the only guy in the world and you deserve someone you never have to worry about....repeat after me ,"I DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE"...and I ask you..is he?
You got to quit beating yourself up for whatever you did in past relationships, honey....remember we all make mistakes and there is no karma here...you realize what you did before was wrong...that's called a learning experience, and we aren't being punished, only shown the lessons we need to learn in order to grow as a person, once you see these things as such, it won't create such terrible feelings of anger and hate. Trying to figure the "hows and whys" of things is just wasted energy....they happen just because they do, and there is nothing we can do about it....we can't control everything and everybody...only ourselves, and even that is an "iffy" thing to do at times, right?
Take care, and tell me how you do