Expert: RITA - 5/12/2004

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. This passed week I didn't hear from him or see him for 4 days. I called him and text messaged him like a couple times but he never got back to me. Then on Saturday he text messaged me saying that nothing was wrong with us and nothing was wrong with me it's just that he wasn't in the right state of mind and that he was just trying to figure out some stuff before he seen me. Then later that night he texted messaged me and told me to come over cuz he wanted to talk bout what has been going on. So, i go over his house and we chill for a couple hours. Then he comes over to me and puts his head in my lap and tells me to talk. I said that i have nothing to talk bout, u called me over. So, i start asking him questions bout what it was about, like his friends, family, school and he says no, no, no. and a week before this i asked him if he was cheating and he looked me straight in my eyes and said no. So, i ask him again if he was cheating on me and he said nothing. i ask him again and he again says nothing. Then i was like oh my God ur cheating on me. And i asked him more questions like when did this happen and he told me that it happened this passed month. And i found out a lot of other stuff like he cheated on me twice, they used a condom, she's not better than me in bed, the entire time he was having sex with her he was thinking about me but didn't stop, all of our friends knew bout it but only 2 told him to tell me, and the worst hing is that he cheated on me with someone with my name which just tops the cake. So, my question to you is, how do i deal with this? I know that I'm not going to break up with him cuz we have been together for too long to just throw this down the drain and everyone deserves a second chance. How can i learn to trust him again? I mean this never happened to me before and i have no idea how to deal with stuff like this. I know you can't tell me what exactly to do but if you gave me some pointers, i would greatly appreciate it.

Answer
Hello Amanda and thank you for your question, I will try to help.
First of all, I wondered your ages...only because it sounds as if this might be a teenager relationship or very early twenties, so I can assist you from the viewpoint of your ages, since as you get older you deal with relationships differently than when you are young.
Be that as it may, here is my "wisdom" for you...You already state you aren't going to break up with him since you have been together too long (I had to chuckle at this..only because in 2 years you are really JUST BEGINNING to know the person) so that's out.


So since that is your decision I will advise you to tell him the following; 1)you want 100% percent honesty, respect, and honor(meaning, do not dishonor you by sleeping with someone else..period!!!)   from him from now on...otherwise you will not involve yourself in his life anymore, plus it's a healthrisk no matter how careful you are.
2. Tell him that it will take  you time before you gain your trust in him again, and that means you might get a little insecure from time to time...cry and want to know "OH WHY..HOW COULD YOU!! I HATE YOU!!! sort of things might come out...so he has to be patient..

And if overtime you and he can get past this hurt..and trust issue..you will be much more mature individuals and more stronger because you worked through it..believe it or not. But you got some work ahead..I don't know how to tell you this, other than you have to walk through it, and get past it...and you will. Most of us have been through this experience atleast once in our lives..I have too, so just know that you will survive it..Take care