Expert: RITA - 9/29/2004

Question
Hi Rita.  My boyfriend of 2-1/2 years now is a pretty wonderful guy, at least I thought so until I realized he cheated on me with someone I know.  He had the same thing done to him by his ex-wife repeatedly and it sent him into therapy for years, so why he would do this to me baffles the mind.  Before this happened he said he'd never felt a love like we have, and that he often thinks of us as husband and wife.  He even brings me to jewelry stores to see what my favorite style/cut of ring is (just in case).  He did say though that he was afraid of marriage and committment, because he didn't think he could handle that kind of pain again.  What in the world would make him go to another woman and cheat?  The fear of making our relationship permanent?  I'm not pressuring him to marry me or even move in with me.  He is the type of person you have to 'handle with care' as to not spook him, I want him to realize all relationships aren't like his previous marriage of 13 years (she cheated on him all of 13 of those years and then he finally caught her in the act in their home).  ** If I should know of a time he is going to "see" this other person he cheated on me with, would it be best if I caught him there? (He denies they ever even talk or see each other.)  I know for me busting them would be awful, but he won't admit to having had the affair at all, when I KNOW he did.  I think he just doesn't want to hurt me, but I do think he is going to 'dip into the poison well' again.  I am just not able to figure out why.  He is the one always taking about loving me more than he can handle and about our future together.  If he would admit to his infidelity I think I could forgive him this one incident and try to move past it.  But if he continues to deny it and possibly do it again, I think I'll go crazy.  What's your advice? I love him like nobody I've ever known.  I hate it that this is happening to me.  I never thought it would.  I was hoping I'd finally found Mr. Right.

Answer
How do you know for sure he is cheating on you with someone you know? Did you see it with your own eyes.
See that's the thing...unless they admit it or you catch them, it's a hard thing to prove, but since you say for certain you know, then you have to work with this from here on.
The why's of cheating are one of those questions that have no answer or atleast a ridiculous one..and the thing is there is no excuse..whether someone else did that to you or you do that to someone...there is no excuse for it, I feel.
We could go into reasonings, like "because his wife did that to him" and smooth over it, but if that is the case, one would learn NOT to do that because they know what it feels like, am I right?
He sounds like he's committment phobic, and that is his problem...not yours. Because you have choices in your life, and if you choose to stay with someone who is cheating, then you are allowing him to treat you with disrespect. You know the saying, "we show others how to treat us", and if you let him treat you this way, why should he change? And crazy is what you will be, watching his every move, his every coming and going, his phone calls, looking through his personal items, wallet and car to verify what you say you already know...now take some action, and tell him!!!!
Be in control, and tell him you know about it, and don't want to hear his lies anymore, and you want to deal with it and figure out what to do from here...this is your life too, ya know? If he wants all the benefits of a relationship but wants to act single, then he needs to be single and quit wasting your time, period!!! Tell him unless he starts telling you the truth, you don't have any relationship, and if he cares and loves you enough he will  "be real" from now on, if not, he's doing you a favor by ridding himself from your life.
"Handle him with care"...phooey on that!!! He needs to get over it already, and start making things better between the two of you.
Tell me how you do...and take care
Remember, you deserve the best that life has to offer!!!