Expert: Don - 8/20/2007

Question
QUESTION: Dear Don,
I have been in a relationship with this guy on and off for 3 years. I became pregnant last fall and he seemed like he was ready, but he was still talking to many girls claiming they were all friends of course. He was marketing himself on myspace with his shirt off and claiming he was single. He was even telling this girl online that he was glad they were hitting it off. I had to pry that out of him. OK. So, I forgave him for that. My pregnancy was rocky but really no huge issues. Although, when the baby was 2 weeks old something just told me to look at his phone. Come to find out that he has been telling this girl that he luvs her and cheated on me when the baby was only 6 days old. He claims to me that he really doesn't like her and she's unattractive (which she is I have seen her but that doesn't matter right?) and he did it because he was between jobs, short on cash, and his mom threatened to kick him out. I think that makes it worse but whatever. He says he only f!ngered her. What girl in her right mind would pay for that? Plus she said in the text, "Thanks for making me start my period 4 days early." Anyways, he says he is sorry and wants his family and he wishes I could see how he does nothing but work and believe him when he says he loves me and back blah blah blah. Yet when I ask him to show me his messages on the internet or his phone record he refuses. His excuse is that I still won't trust him. If he really wanted to gain my trust and to prove to me that he is not talking to all these girls still wouldn't he want to show me his clean records as proof. I think his records are really not so clean and that is why he refuses. I happened to see a message he sent to this one girl asking her how she was and if she was still sexy as hell. When I asked him about her. He said he thinks she's "cute." Hmmmm... what do you think about him?

ANSWER: To me it sounds like your boyfriend is a compulsive liar and cheater. It's obvious that he's continuing to see other women behind your back and is cheating on you.

I also think that he believes that he can continue to cheat on you whenever he wants because you never do anything about it, you just let him cheat and then tell you crazy stories and you take him back everytime.

It's time for you to sit down and have a real talk with him, and tell him that you are tired of his lies and other women and he needs to pick either those women or you. And then keep your word, if you find another message of him talking in a sexual way with a woman, you need to break up with him and leave him alone.

You can still raise your child together but as far as the two of you being a couple you need to end that.

I hope this helped and good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have 4 questions if you don't mind. I'm sure you will be able to answer them since you have been in his shoes... well somewhat anyway. Why does he pretend to be a one woman man? Why put up with the drama? Why be with someone if you are going to cheat on them anyway? Why not leave me?

Answer
1. He pretends to be a one woman man, so that he can keep you from leaving him. If he bragged about sleeping with other women or told you he did it, he knows you would leave him, so he has to pretend that he doesn't.

2. He puts up with the drama because some men are, selfish, greedy and dumb. He figures you won't leave him so he'll so it's worth you being angry at him, if it means he can still sleep with people on the side. It's not real drama because he doesn't believe you'll go anywhere.

3. Because you offer him stability. You offer him a relationship and a person who will always be there. While his women on the side are just for sexual gratification and personal joy, he knows he has you for a real connection and real stability in his life. Your there for the domestic side of it, you give him somebody to come home to and take care of him, while the side girls are just for sex.

4. He doesn't leave because he's greedy, why should he leave when he can have his cake and eat it to. Leaving would just be hard on him, if he stays he can have you and his family but still get sex on the side, it's the perfect life for him.