Expert: Sam E - 5/6/2007

Question
I'm a 40 year old man I met this girl in 2000 we work together in law enforcement i was a sergeant and she was a rookie PO.  I was totally head over heels for her totally in love.  I worked hard for the relationship to the point of getting a divorce I was already thinking about a divorce but she was the catalyst that made me act. We broke up at least twice but I worked on the relationship and we got back together.  In the background there has been this other girl that has shadowed the relationship I met her in 2002 and she has been my outlet for whatever I needed in terms of sex and moral support. I truly believe this girl loves me. But I have always favored my girlfriend even though she is difficult stubborn and arrogant she is also funny beautiful tall and asian. Even though I love my girlfriend the sex has been very mediocre and I don't know how to change it. I believe she is responsible as much as I am for this lack of sexual satisfaction for both of us.  I know that she has lost part of the lust she had for me since she had an abortion. I think she has sex with me only because I want sex, i think she could go without sex forever.  I really believe that is why I have strayed the way that I have I never wanted to really cheat especially on a long term basis. but this other girl is very willing and eager.  When Im on her I say to myself how can I let this girl go its so goood. Now I picked a fight with my girlfriend and she hasn't spoken to me for a whole week.  I have made efforts to contact her but she hasn't responded I'm torn because I know I cheat on her and thats wrong but i still love her.  She probably wants to dump me I don't know what to do.  I feel that because I love her I should let her go. I could be with her for the rest of my life if she was more into me.  Now it seems that I am spending more and more time with the other girl that has pledged to stay with me no matter who I am with at anytime. I mean thats devotion. Im torn I know that I would prefer to be with my girlfriend because I am more turned on by her physical beauty but what is inside sometimes turns me off.  I mean sometimes she giving me a BJ and she has a towel around her neck like a bib so that she doesn't get any spit any where I mean thats kind of weird and upsetting she can't let go and go wild.  Sometimes when we are having sex she just kind of lays there and doesn't move.  I mean I can get into anything but it gets old.  The easiest way to have sex with her is to get her hammered and take her that way this is the only way I can get away with not using a condom. this gets old quick also but still enjoyable. With the other girl she is so different this girl will give a BJ that when I climax its an explosion and she likes all different types of positions especially doggie style shes great.  and she is so helpful in every way I mean in the household and she likes to give me gifts things my girlfriend just will not do. This girl really has worked hard to be with me shes great that way I know i could count on her.  My girlfriend not so sure about relying on her for everyday stuff. I am not in a good place.  

Answer
I suggest you sit down with your girlfriend and have a sex talk with her.  She will never know what you want and how to please you unless you tell her. I know that for many couples it can be uncomfortable, but it needs to be done.  We all have to be taught how to be good lovers. Because she is not good in bed is not an indication that she is not into you. It just means she may need some love lessons.  She may also be very conservative and you may not be able to change that. Voice your concern over this. Let her know that the towel needs to go and she needs to loosen up a bit.  Of course be gentle when you tell her. You don’t want to make her even more self-conscience.
Secondly, I really get the feeling that you are not that in love with her.  You know that cheating is the worse thing you could do to a person in a relationship. You know it causes a whole lot of pain and anger. You really need to get real with yourself and think about why you are really with her.
Having boring sex with your partner is not good, but most people will not stray for that reason.
You also are carrying on an affair which is a whole heck of a lot different than a one night stand.
If you love your girlfriend, like you claim, than you should end it with this other girl, and sit down and have the sex talk with her.
Sex does not define a lasting relationship and trust me when I say that this girl will get old too!
You put way too much focus on sex. I can tell you 100% that no matter who you are with you will end up right where you are right now until you deal with your issues.
true love will keep you honest and never bored! That is when you will know that you love a woman! I don’t think you are ready to commit to anyone one woman right now. That’s okay but cheating is not. You have to make a decision and make it quick or you will be in a heap of trouble. It will hurt you  do see her pain when she finds out (and she will. They always do).
I hope this helps,
Sam