Expert: Sam E - 1/7/2007

Question
I cheated on my fiancee and feel horrible. This is the second time it has happend in the 2 1/2 yrs that we've been together. Both times it never went further than kissing. --And both times I've been extremely drunk. (Which I know isn't an excuse.) I also didn't initiate either time but I should have stopped it. The first time was with some random girl and I confessed right away. She was hurt and left our house for a few days but ended up forgiving me and coming back. This last time was 2 months ago and with a mutual friend. I did not confess because I didn't want to lose her and I also didn't want to hurt her. The friend didn't think we should tell either. When I was feeling guilty she kept telling me it was no big deal...a mistake and it would only hurt her if we told. Well the friend ended up telling her on New Yrs Eve on our back porch! My fiancee flipped and left. I have not seen her since. I've been sending emails everyday and trying to contact her. I love her so much and can't believe I allowed this to happen. I will never forgive myself for hurting her as I have. She called today to say she's moving out...getting her furniture next weekend. I'm devastated and don't know what to do to convince her to try and work through this. I went to a therapy session for the first time in my life and am going to continue to go every week to try & figure out why I let this happen and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I can't begin to tell you how low I feel. Is what I did forgivable? How do we get through this and back to a happy place? I know I need to give her space but at the same time I keep wanting to contact her to let her know how deeply sorry I am. I know I will never do anything like this again. I want to do all I can to prove that I am someone she can trust. Is the relationship ruined? Please Help!  

Answer
I think she has a right to move on. Once was a mistake that she was willing to forgive. That was your chance to prove to her that you loved her and she could trust you. When you did it again you tore down any trust she was building. Sometimes there is no other way to overcome this hurt other than moving on.    
Since this has happened before she is not going to listen your words. To her that is all it is, words.
I think that you are taking the steps needed to heal and improve your life and your actions, but that doesn’t mean she will want you back. At this point I suggest you lay off her. Don’t push at her, don’t beg and plead.
Give her the space she needs. You should be understanding of this, and by begging her, asking for forgiveness and such, it  shows that you  really don’t  see what effect this has had on her.  I know that you are hurting, but her pain is worse and that is what you are overlooking by pleading with her.
Tell her that you messed up and that you are seeking help. Tell her that you are sorry for hurting her and that you understand why she is leaving. Than tell her that if she will ever reconsider it, you would like her to give you another chance. You understand that you need to part ways now, but you will be waiting for her if she is  ever interested. Than you let her go.
Continue seeing your therapists and working on any other problems and issues that you have.
Hope this helps. Write me anytime!  
sam