Expert: Sam E - 12/12/2006

Question
I understand what you are saying. But this really is not an option. I do not want to tell my family and my children, 10 and 7 are old enough to know when things aren't right. That would be a huge red flag to everyone. I do not want to drag his name through the mud or hurt my children. I would hope there could be something more...something that I can do within myself. Something to just numb the pain. We are both going to seek counseling and I have restarted antidepressants. I'm not asking for a quick fix, just some guidance to lead me through the aftermath. I appreciate your quick response as you are my only outlet concerning this issue.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I was cheated on by my husband. He did not find this person on the net or at a bar etc. He went to a Oriental massage place and got (sorry to be so blunt) a hand job. I found out all this info on my own and then approached him with it. He finally admitted to it and says he's truly sorry and will do anything to make us work. I want to believe him and I do love him more then anything. I just can't seem to be able to start the healing process. Or I am just stuck in the angry and hurt phase. I want to forgive him( which I mostly have) but how do I forget? Every time I close my eyes I see it. I'm sickened by the thought of someone else touching my husband. I know for a fact that if it had been me that cheated he would have left me. How do I move on or at least forward?
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It takes time to get over this type of hurt but you can heal.
Because you just found out and are still very upset I suggest you have a few weeks apart. This gives you time to think things over clearly. It is hard to think about making it work if every time you see him you hate him more. Right now you need time. Tell him he can see the kids (if you have any), but you can’t bare to see him now and that you need time to think. Tell him no phone calls, letters, flowers or visits in which he pleads with you. Let him know that he needs to stay away. That is very important. During this time you need to seek some counseling. You need to work through the pain. After a 3 week period (or whatever period you feel you need) you should have some idea of what you want. If it is to make another go, seek couple counseling. It is also suggested that he still be away from the home during this time. Now your counselor may have other ways of dealing with this but this is what many therapists will suggest. He needs to show you that he is a changed man, and honest man worthy of your love. He needs to be out of the home because you need to start off slow and if he was around you may need up jumping into it too soon and the pain will arise again. Counseling helps you to heal. It helps you to forgive.
Also, If you forgive, you must close the case. No more brining it up. it must be left behind. Otherwise you will only rip open the wounds that are healing.
I hope this helps you. If you have anymore questions or concerns write me back,
sam

Answer
I understand.
Counseling is a very important part of healing.
You both can go about this discreetly.
Also it helps if you both sat down and talked openly. You should be allowed to ask him any questions about this. You see, usually our imagination is worse than fact. Finding out what actually happened can help give this closure.   Many people want minute details while others want just the basic facts. He should give you whatever information you need.
Most importantly is to not jump back into his arms so fast. It takes time to build trust and intimacy back up. Don’t give yourself a time limit and don’t think that you are never going to feel okay again because you will.
Also, you need to take time now to focus on you. Do things that will start to rebuild your self-esteem.  I recommend exercise because it not only makes you feel better, it is a great way to help with depression and stress. Maybe get a membership to the gym. This gives you time away for just you. If that is not possible than while the kids are at school do a workout video.
Also find something that you enjoy doing and go for it! If there is something that you always wanted to do, now is the time. If it is going back to school, than do it. If it is taking an art class, or writing a novel, or playing an instrument. Whatever it was you have put on the back burner, it is time to focus on it. Being a mom of 3 boys I know that sometimes my wants and needs come last. It is important to not let that happen, especially right now. You need to find yourself again.
You are worth so much and I know that this type of thing can be damaging. Keep in mind that you are not the one with the problem. You are the one who did the wrong. You are not ugly, or a looser or a failure. You are the same person you were before this happend.  All of those negative feelings that come from an affair can ruin you. I know I was once where you are. You must keep all negative thoughts about yourself at bay. Don’t entertain them at all!!   
I hope this helps. Please write anytime!
SAM