Expert: Don - 5/29/2007

Question
QUESTION: When I was young, I never dreamed of romantic love, or marriage or relationship of any kind. I always thought that I would have lots of pleasant relationships with opposite sex, and that's how it happened. I used to run from commitment, although I carefully chose my boyfriends to be no-commitment types, some ended up hurt in the end. Sometimes I ended up hurt. I'm a natural flirt I can't and I don't want to stop it.

I cheated on one boyfriend before, in few occasions with different people , but I realized couldn't live with the guilt and broke up with him. Now, after many years and lots of retrospective, I realize that it was not all my fault, because we were not close, and in that year that we were together, we were always strangers until the end.

I'm a very private person. I never speak about my feelings. Alcohol doesn't help me talk, either. I never even told my girlfriends if I liked a boy. I just went ahead and did what I wanted to do, never asking about other peoples advice. I believe sex is between two people so I don't share experiences with other people, ever. Sometimes, I wrote my thoughts down in a diary, so I can be objective with myself later, but I don't do that anymore. I gave it to my best-girl-friend in an attempt to let people in my inner life. I'm still trying.

I have a boyfriend for 4 years now. He's just perfect, smart, good looking and so honest and sweet that I forgot all the commitment issues, everything went spontaneously, and we are together all day, everyday. I think I love him. I never told him, although he told me few times. He never asks questions about my past, though he knows a lot, because he has been my friend from before.

And now, the problem. Last year, on a bachelorette party, I got so drunk and otherwise trashed, and I met my high-school crush at a club, and he had all the right words to say (like I was his high-school crush, what a pity we were so shy then).. and you know the rest. We had a one night stand, and  I spend the next two weeks agonizing.. one day hating myself for cheating, one day hating him for using me, one day questioning my relationship, one day wanting to tell my boyfriend about it.. and the cycle repeating its self. I managed to get a grip, forgive myself and move on. I realized then that I couldn't live without my boyfriend. I never told him because it will only hurt him.

And now, I've been on a high-school reunion, and .. I met my high school crush again. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me, wondered why I never returned his messages even to say hi.. He tried to make a move on me that night but I refused, although I was very drunk. And now I cant stop thinking about him. It has been a month already, and every time my mind wanders, I think about him. I caught myself fantasizing about him while having sex with bf. I feel   bad.. very bad.

Maybe I should be alone for the rest of my life, not deluding myself and others that I'm capable of a meaningful relationship?

ANSWER: You obviously have some kind of emotional or psychological problem. Here you have found a man that seem to like a lot and seems to be perfect for you. He has done nothing but try to make you happy and yet all you can do is think about some other guy who has been basically out of your life for awhile.

Why would you allow an outsider to come in and take your thoughts away from the place they belong with your boyfriend. You already made the mistake once of cheating on your boyfriend and you claim that the guilt really wrecked you, but yet you are right back to thinking about doing the thing that caused you the guilt to begin with.

My advice is this, it's pretty simple, it's time to grow up and act like an adult. Stop running from adult commitment and choices and do the right thing.

If you feel so bad then do something about it, forget this old high school crush and embrace the real relationship that you have with your boyfriend. It's time to stop running away from commitment. You know where you and your heart belong, it's time you make your mind see it too. Make the right choice.

I hope this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know I'm fucked up. The logical me knows that what acting on you advise is the correct thing to do. But is it right to go against my nature? Is it fair?

What about open relationships, polyamory, loving more than one  person at a time? I can sense it's hard work but i still think it's worth trying. Does anybody have any expirience that he/she would like to share? How do I actualy start talking about it? I tried sending him on a summer holiday alone with his friends with a pack of condoms and "have a lots of fun, use these in case of emergency", but.. he is not taking it seriously. I'm affraid to start talking because it is not "I want us to start seing other people" but it's "I want us to start seing other people, but you should stay the most important person in my life always, and vice versa".

Anybody? Is serial monogamy the only way to live our short lives?

Answer
You don't have to be monogamous if you don't want to but you need to tell the person you are dating about your wishes. If you cheat then you're doing the wrong thing, so unless you talk to the person you are in a relationship and they agree to the open relationship thing, then you're the wrong.

All you have to do is sit your boyfriend down and explain to him, that you aren't interested in leaving him but you don't feel that you are ready to be tied down to one person for the rest of your life. Explain to him that you love and appreciate him but you also need time to spread your wings and meet other people.

After you explain yourself, it's up to him to either be with you or not but it's better to tell him what you want then to risk hurting him by cheating on him behind his back.