Expert: Dear Shay - 8/27/2002

Question
Well,
Me and my ex wife started out 5 years ago, I was 19 and she was 26. She was in process of a divorce and I was ending a year long relationship. We started our relationship with her cheating me (but not revealing that fact for 2 years). I then cheated on her 2 years later with my ex, and then I confessed. And our relationship changed. We became closer and better friends / lovers. We got married about a year later. We had our little spats but it was fine. Around a year later, during vacation, I caught her boys touching each other. I questioned and was told that they learned it from their father. We went to social services, and they ended up taking the boys away from us (I am an ex sex offender). And placing them with their Aunt (father's side). We got divorced to insure she had unrestricted access to the boys during her visiting hours (but I can't see them at all). We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of months... then I decided I wanted to see other people and still have sex with my ex-wife (dumb I know). So I broke it off with her, but tried to keep her around. Then I played... Well... To be truthful... mind games for 4 months, telling her I wanted to be with her, but the boys kind of made me leery (social services), and then telling her that I wanted to be apart.. We continued to have sexual encounters just about 3x a week.
I then found a girl who struck my fancy and was with her for about 4 months, I was sexually with my girlfriend and my ex-wife (different nights). During this time I was still playing mind games with my ex.
I then thought for about a week, reviewing my life. Thinking about my decisions, and who I was, who my ex-wife was, and if I truly love her. My decision was that I had made a horrible mistake and she and I should be together. I tried to convince her to return to me. But she was entranced by a person who worked for her. I convinced to give me one more shot. I was honest, open, and loving (she confirmed the fact that I was). She came home with hickies two weeks after we restarted our relationship. She told me it was a guy she went to school with. Come to find out today, it was her employee at work (just using his “real” first name). She made out with him for four hours and he... umm... fondled her lower area. I also found out today that she is “In love with him”. I found this out from a letter she typed out at work (Key loggers rock.) she typed that she was with me for our daughter. She didn't mention in the letter that she loves me. Not once.

My question after my story, Should I stay with her. I can't afford living alone. And I do love her. But should I just cut my losses now? Or should I try to work things out.

John


Answer
I think you both should stay as far away from eachother as possible. You both bring out the worst in eachother...and hun, you will never trust eachother. You cant build anything on that foundation. Over and over again you both have been so dishonest with eachother, your only making it worse by sticking around, and your not doing her any favors. You say that you really love her and you want to be with her, but you go behind her back and put a key logger on her computer...now how is that honest and loving? She isnt being perfect either, but you BOTH dont seem to trust eachother at all. Hun, I know its hard to accept, but lets be honest here...will you ever really trust her enough to NEVER question what she says? I highly doubt it, in fact, I wouldnt blame you at all. I dont feel that she can be trusted, and I think you know that you cant be trusted either....at least as far as checking up on her is concerned. You both need to find yourselves before you put someone in your lives. You seem like you are starting to put your life together, and I really think you need to be alone to do this. Besides, she is staying with you for your daughter, she said it herself. Do yourself and her a favor and end this now. It may not seem like it, but you will be much happier once you find someone that you dont have to worry about constantly, and she will be happier knowing she truly loves the new person she is with. Good luck hun, I hope it works out.