Expert: RITA - 9/12/2004

Question
Hi Rita,

I was cheated on in my marriage and went through hell trying to cope.  I was willing to try and save the marriage, but he was not interested.  It was a horrible experience, one that I hope I never have to live through again.  

I am divorced now and have been dating for the last couple of years.  I have finally met a guy that I really like, but he admits to me that he cheated on his wife once for a period of about 5 weeks, they were caught by her husband.  He said it is the only regret he has in his life.  He was and is embarassed and ashamed and has a lot of remorse.  He has made a "vow" to himself to never do this again.  He makes no excuses for his behavior, he admits it was wrong.  I did ask him why he did it.  He said he felt his self esteem was at an all time low.  His wife wasn't interested in him and this person was.  He said it felt worth it at the time to try and get just a little happiness if only for a short period of time.  Like I said, he admits it was wrong and has a firm commitment to not do this again.

My question is this:  Can a person, once they have cheated, really be strong and not do this again?  Is it horrible enough when you are the cheater, that it is enough deterent to prevent it?  

I appreciate the fact that he was honest with me.  Of all the guys I have gone out with, he is the only one who admitted to having done it.  He said, "Well, when you consider that when most marraiges end, someone is cheating, I can guarantee you a percentage of the guys you have been out with cheated.  They just aren't telling you they did.  At least I own my actions and am honest."  He does make a point.  

I'll wait for your response, and thank you.

Annie  

Answer
You know I truly believe that a cheater can reform and be changed from ever doing it again. Why? Because somewhere along the way, they might see the pain that it causes or because they have it happen to them and know what it feels like.
That saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is hogwash as far as I'm concerned.
I've cheated, not proud to admit it, but I will never do it again because I've had it done to me and it sucks...bigtime!!!
If the guy had enough integrity to be straight up about it, I give him a thumbs up for doing so...and if I were you hang on to him cause he's a catch!