Expert: CTO - 1/10/2007

Question
Hi,

I started going out with one of my best friends about 2 years ago. We were deeply in love with each other and planned to spend the rest of our lives together. For the first year and a bit of our relationship we lived in Australia, before I moved to London for work. For the last 10 months we have been having a long distance relationship during which we visited each other etc. At the end of the 10 months my gf came to live permanantly with me in London.

When she came, however, things didn't feel the same and I started to believe that she had cheated on me back home. When I asked her several times about this she denied it. I, however, didn't believe her, decided to check her email and found out that she had been having an affair for the last 3 months. When I confronted her she admitted that she had kissed someone but that nothing happened. After several other different stories, and me calling the other guy, she finally told the truth.

I have broken up with her, but still love her, and she says that she still loves me. I am not sure whether to take her back. My issues are that maybe she doesn't love me if she can do that; maybe it wasn't a mistake if it went on for 3 months and she had feelings for him; and maybe I will never be able to trust her again.

From your experience what do you think?

Answer
Ugh Long distance relationships.

It seems you guys started out very, very good. Once you moved to London, the problem began. Every time the loved one is away, the girlfriend, or boyfriend see what their life is without their love. While you had work on your mind, she was in Austrailia missing you deeply.

Many things could have happened, IM not SURE WHY she cheated, but maybe it was because...

1. She got drunk with girlfriends and cheated. After this she started seeing him.

2. She missed you so much, she needed someone in her life.

3. She started having bad thoughts of moving to London with you, so she tried to escape.

There are many more possibilities, but I have no idea, I was just listing.

I know that prolly didnt help, im just trying to understand.

ANYWAY on to answering the question.

Once it was obvious that she cheated she got scared. she HAD to deny, it is rare when a girl is truthful about cheating, because she doesen't want to hurt you. You did the right thing, checking her e-mail. I always agree with that, because its obvious she broke your trust, so you should only break hers to find the truth.

Cheating is the worst, but it could have been a LOT worse. It can always be worse. If you two were deeply in love and there were no previous mistakes (I dont know if you had any complications, Im just guessing this is the first major problem) then it seems it was just a mistake. Im guessing she is done with the other guy, since it was only 3 months, and now she lives IN london.

This next part on what to do, relies all on you. If I were you, I would MAKE SURE she loved me (She just might, since she moved to London for you) and I would tell her all my issues with her. If she agreed to be faithful, and love then I would take her back. You guys were perfect for 2 years until you moved. So she made a mistake. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance. I mean she wont be able to cheat on you, if she's right under your nose in your house in London, right?

IF YOU DO DECIDE to get back with her, then I would...

A) Keep a close eye on her
B) Give her everything she wants so she wont feel the need to cheat
C) Make sure she no longer talks to that guy

She made a mistake

Forgive her

Im sure you two will be fine :)