Expert: Sam E - 1/24/2007

Question
Well, i honestly am still in love with this girl. I wish it was that easy. I tried but she has been begging me to take her back. What I really need from you is to know how to deal with this. You claim to have knowledge of how to get through these situations. I would really appreciate your help. Thanks for your previous advice though!

Stephen
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Hey, I just found out yesterday that my girlfriend had cheated on me with her ex. Since then, I have told her that I would not give her another chance unless she erased him from her life. She has since then swore to me on her sisters life (very serious) and has gone on to do so. Does she deserve another chance? A lot of my friends tell me to forget about her, but she is a really great person other than the fact that she cheated on me.
-----Answer-----
DOES CHEATING ON THE ONE YOU CLAIM TO  LOVE REALLY MAKE SOMEONE A GREAT PERSON? THINK ABOUT IT? IF YOU GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TRUST HER?  CHEATING ON SOMEONE IS A PRETTY MESSED UP LOW THING TO DO AND IT SHOWS THAT SHE HAS A LACK OF RESPECT FOR YOU. THINK OF AIDS AND OTHER STD’S.
SHE CARELESSLY SLEEPS WITH ANOTHER THAN YOU! TAKE A LOOK WHAT YOU  WROTE, SHE IS A GREAT PERSON OTHER THAN THE FACT SHE CHEATED ON YOU! SHE IS ONLY SORRY SHE WAS FOUND OUT! IF SHE TRULY WAS SAD AND WANTED ANOTHER CHANCE SHE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU! YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO FIND OUT! SHE WOULD HAVE HAD MASSIVE GUILT AND SHE WOULD HAVE COME CLEAN!
I’M SORRY BUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE RIGHT, MOVE ON!
GREG BERENDT (RELATIONSHIP EXPERT) SAYS THIS ABOUT A CHEATER:
If anything, finding out that she’s a liar and cheater should make getting over her a hell of a lot easier than if you were still holding onto some memory of her as this amazing perfect girl. So you misjudged her character or she turned out to not have any. Who cares? Wash your hands of this girl for good 'cause she sounds dirty. Yuck!
IT IS SO MUCH BETTER TO BE SAVE THAN SORRY!
HOPE THIS HELPS AND WRITE ME ANYTIME!
SAM

Answer
Just because you love someone does not mean they love you. It will not be easy. You need time apart. You can’t heal and work on it if she is always around. What happens is, you start to improve than you see her and something sets mad and the pain comes all back to you!
You reopen the wound.
Be apart and get some counseling. She will need it as well. It takes a lot of time and energy to put a broken relationship back together. It will be very hard but you can’t do it if she is still around you all the time.  It is also important to ask yourself why you want to continue this? She has shown you a severe lack of concern for you and this relationship. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal so be 100% sure you want to work on this, heal and than move on. By moving on (in your case) this means once you two have worked on it and are healing, you no longer can bring it up. Once it is forgiven you can’t dwell on t. If that happens it will ruin you two.
Lastly but most important is for you to work on self-esteem. An affair tears a person down. The person who has low self-esteem will allow themselves to be treated poorly over and over again. You need to focus on you. Start going to the gym, focus on your hobbies. Whatever it might be that builds your self-worth, do it! You may find that after you have built up self-esteem, you don’t want a woman who cheats, or if there is a next time, you will be strong enough to walk away!
Focus on you!  You did nothing to make her cheat. It was her choice! Remember that! You are still you no matter what she has done.
Hope this helps and good luck!
Sam