Expert: Don - 6/4/2007

Question
QUESTION: I am very reluctant to ask you - a stranger - about my relationship, but I am at the ultimate relationship cliff - should I walk back or jump? My boyfriend, and father of my 9-month old son, has been chatting on his cell with this girl for a while. The first time i found out, I asked him about her. He said he didn't know who it was, but I looked through his phone more, and found out he had called her on numerous occasions, even on his birthday. We argued about it, he said it wouldn't happen again. I said if it did, I would leave. Well here we are again. He said he's not calling her but he called her a couple of days ago when he was at the studio (he makes beats for rap/r&b songs) and I have no idea if he was with her or not. The next day she was calling him back to back all morning. His phone was off but I saw his call log on the provider's website. I don't like what he's doing and he keeps lying about it. I'm not accusing him of having sex with her, but if it did happen I won't be surprised... I just need to know should I go? He always lies about them talking, and I called her to see if anything was happening. She told me to tell him to stop calling her, and always hangs up when I say his name. We have a son, and I truly love him. He proposed to me and everything, but lately since I brought this up, we haven't been talking (2 days). Please help. If you need any more info, I will give it. We've been living together since 12/05, and I had our son 9/06.

ANSWER: It sounds like you don't trust him at all, and if you don't trust him what is the point of continuing a relationship with him? If I were you I wouldn't rush into leaving him but you need to demand some answers from him. You can't let him continue to lie to you constantly. If you feel that he is doing something with this other woman, then you need to go to him and ask him what is really going on with the woman, and if she is somebody he doesn't really know why is she constantly calling him and why he is constantly talking to her.

Let him know that he is putting his relationship on the line by continuing to deal with this woman and you are not going let him treat you any kind of way. Let him know that he needs to make the right choice and choose his family over that woman.

If he continues to lie, you need to stick to your word and leave his guy behind. Just because you have a child together means you need to have a relationship with this man. If he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated then you might want to move on.

I hope this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I did have a conversation with him and told him that yeah I did think he was cheating and we have trust and communication issues. He then in turn told me my faults and how I treat him, along with the fact that he was skeptical of me being home all the time and he said he didn't care anymore if I was talking to anyone on the side or not. That hurt me because it made me feel like he didn't care at all, but he told me later it was because he thought that I didn't want him anymore and I felt he didn't want me anymore. Hence, the communication issues. So now I know what I'm doing wrong with him and am trying to change. I said as of June 4 07 we are starting with a clean slate to help our family and help us individually. I don't want to throw all of the past in the pot because I cheated on him with two guys before and he doesn't know about it, so I really want to start now clean. Bot of us has done wrong, I just happened to find out about his, but I think we can start now fresh. Do you think that's wise? I asked him what are we doing and he said " We're getting married" but I told him we need WAY more time. Right now I just wanna make sure he's all for me, but should I keep everything else in perspective, or consider everything cancelled out? We can both start fresh and still be comfortable right?

Oh, and I did tell him that I was going to leave - my stuff is still half-packed! I don't know if that got him or not, but I hope so.

Thanks again for the answer. It helped.

Answer
It's fine to start over with a clean slate, but only if the both of you are committed to making the relationship work.

If you both listen to the other's complaints and make a real effort to fix the problems then there is nothing wrong with starting over. Just make sure that you stick to fixing the problems. Don't stop doing what annoys each other for a few weeks and then as soon as things appear better go back to your same old ways. You have to commit to making things better for the long run, not just until everything is cool. If you fix the problems make sure they stay fixed, that's the only way the relationship could ever really work.