Expert: Drea Jean - 5/2/2006

Question
    I'm a 22 male, single currently.  I just had to some general questions about cheating.  To me cheating is one of the most selfish and inconsiderate thingd you can do to you partner.  I never been cheated on yet, but I couldn't never forgive.  I could not cheat.... so I guess I expect the same from my partner.

However, I see it happen all the time.  Quite a few people tell me, its needed to spice things up!!!!! Maybe, I’m wrong but if you have to cheat to spice up a relationship then you don’t know how to have one.  On the other hand, I only have 3 girlfriends (one short term, two middle term…) So, I guess I doubt myself.  Plus, I find it hard to warm up to girls I guess… because I fear to be cheated on... its a little more than that...   

I don’t want to be sexist or anything… I’m human make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  So, I figure if I’m not up to par as much as a girl likes… she is going to find another guy who can.  Or I am good enough to keep around, so she does… but find’s whatever I lack somewhere else…  

Seems like to me… women can hide affairs much better than a men.  To me I think men usually don’t like to hide affairs… because they want someone to know... it’s an ego boost for them.

What do you think?  Am I too uptight and unrealistic?  Paranoid?  Thanks for your time.  

Answer
Hi Kyle,

I have to apologize for not answering this question sooner. I recieved it last night, and waited as it was late when I saw it, and then this morning, I had about 9 questions waiting, and I saved it for last, so I could give you the answer you deserve, instead of rushing through it. I hope thats okay.

There are usually two specific reasons people cheat. Sex, or attention. Most men will cheat for sex, and most women for attention, although you will find men that are craving attention, and women who crave sex, so its not a rule.

Now, are you being uptight or unrealistic? Maybe a little. But just in the fact you think there isn't some wonderful lady out there that thinks the way you do. There is. I never thought I could forgive cheating, but each instince is diffrent. It could happen to you, but the reasons it happen could be diffrent. It could be an honest and sincere mistake she makes, and that she is truly sorry for, and learned a lesson from. In that case, you may forgive. Don't rule out the fact that there may be circumstances that could happen that would make you re-think your idea of forgivness. It's not black and white when it comes to cheating, some times its gray.

As far as hiding it goes, I see your point, that men can't hide it so well, but thats not really true. Anyone who cheats, guys or girls, who has a relationship they value and don't want to lose, will do their best to keep it a secret. If your with a woman who doesn't value the relationship, she won't try real hard to hind it. It depends on the individual.

Are you being Paranoid? Again, cheating is a real concern for most people, but the fact you are so concerned about it, is a little troublesome. Your worry may be keeping you from having something wonderful with someone. And if you are this worried outside of a relationship, how much trust are you going to be able to have in your partner when you DO get into a relationship.

My suggestion to you is to realize that cheating can happen to ANYONE, even if every thing in the relationship is right. And what you should do, when you get into a relationship, is find someone you can have open conversations with. Express your views on it, and find out about theirs. Think about reasons you may be able to forgive cheating, or absoloutley reasons you could not, and live by that standard. And relax a little. There are women, MANY of them, that believe the way you do. Give them the trust they earn, the trust they deserve. Noone is going to keep you from getting hurt, it's impossible to live a life without a little hurt or disappointment, but it teaches us things, we learn, and become stronger people for it.

Good Luck to you, and Thanks, and if you have more questions, feel free to ask, thats what I'm here for :)

Drea Jean

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