Expert: Dear Shay - 11/26/2002

Question
Dear Shay,  I've been dating Curt for almost six months. He is 49, I'm 35. About two weeks ago I asked for a commitment and told him I loved him.  That was a disaster.  He said he had not seen anyone else since we'd been dating, but he talked to other women.  We met on Match.com, an internet dating site.  I asked if he was talking to women on that site and he said he hadn't been on that site since we met.  It was a lie, and after a huge fight he fessed up, but said it was no big deal. He doesn't know it, but I found his name on another dating site. He said I had nothing to worry about with the internet site and he was not pursueing other women. In fact, even when I was dating other people, he always told me he just dates one person at a time. I told him I did not want to date if he was just stringing me along until he found something better.  He assured me he is not, and said he cares about me. He felt I was not ready for commitment because I dated a lot of other people when we first started going out.  My last date was 2 months ago. He thinks I over-reacted and shouldn't be upset.  He said he felt like I was accusing him of cheating, and if I found him in bed with someone else, then I'd have reason to be upset.  We didn't talk for a week, but then had a more reasonable talk. But, he won't commit. I decided to quit sleeping with him, but couldn't resist. He knows I was scared to sleep with him, and that sex is very emotional for me. He said that is the way it shoould be. His lovemaking has been more gentle since the fight.  I can't tell if he thinks sleeping with someone else is cheating.  I do. I've backed off the commitment issue and we have been enjoying each other. He has two kids with whom I spend a lot of time.  I just went to the 9 year old's school play.  The 5 year old loves me, and I love them both.  All three are coming to my mother's for Thanksgiving.  This will be the first time my parents have met his kids. I'm having a surprise birthday party for him this weekend.  He has an e-mail list of friends that he forwards all kinds of stuff to.  I invited everyone on that list, plus some close friends that weren't on it.  I'v met some of these friends, but not all.  I just got a response back from one of the women on the list.  She said thanks for the invite, and asked if I knew he had the kids this weekend and needed a sitter.  Then she asked if we had met.  She said she is really bad with names, especially since Curt has introduced her to so many of his friends lately.  I sent her a message back, and said Curt and I have been dating for six months and I have met so many of his friends I wasn't sure if I had met her or not. I haven't heard from her. It sounds like he lied about seeing other women.  If she's meeting his friends it sounds serious.  I don't want to ruin his surprise if I'm paranoid.  I am paranoid and devestated.  He treats me well.  I don't know what to do.  

Answer
Well hun, he treats you well..but you want different things right now. You want commitment, he doesnt. This is a huge deciding factor on whether or not you should be here. You two have not made a verbal commitment to eachother, which gives you and him "technically" some leeway. While it may not be right nor fair...its the truth. Wait until after the suprise party, and then talk to him. Talk alone, and seriously. Tell him that the bottom line is, you want commitment. You dont want to just "date" anymore..not if you are going to be sleeping with him and getting to know his children. People that are just seeing eachother dont meet the kids hun...I think he would want a commitment, he just doesnt know what you want from him with that title. If he cant commit now, maybe its time to realize you may be on different paths right now. He could be the right guy, at the wrong time....Good luck!