Expert: Sam E - 2/28/2007

Question
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two kids. Recently we decided to go thru bankruptcy...my husband sent me to live with my parents while he fixed things up. The day I left he contacted a girl he had met on the airplane. They began talking every day for at least two hours a day and then began hanging out. He starts becomming extremely critical and blaming me for all of our financial problems and marriage problems. Starts saying he is not emotionally connected to me anymore. I ask why and he says it's the stress of the bankruptcy. Things get worse by the day, starts telling little white lies and gets extremely paranioid when I ask who he is with or what he is doing. I ask him if he is having an affiar or seeing anyone - gets angry and asks what kind of wife am I to be "fine tooth combing" everything he is doing! I created an online account for his cell phone in order to look at his cell phone bill. I see all the the hours of calls and texts they have been exchanging. So then I get on his myspace and find a "love letter" to her. I decided to confront him since I had enough evidance. At first he denied it, then later that day said he would "tell me everything". He confessed to living with her for the past month while I was gone. He said he would NOT contact her again apologized and said he was wrong and sorry he hurt me. I flew back to visit him for a week to see what we were going to do. Kept going to our counselling sessions (we had been having them over the phone the whole time I was gone). He said he was committed to not seeing or talking to her again till we figured out our marriage issues and where our relationship was going. We stayed together in the hotel and had a great weekend - it was like a second honeymoon! Well, I just found out a month later now, that he never did stop talking to her, even when I was visiting him for the week. He contiuned talking to her while we were continuing counselling and while he was reasurring that he was NOT talking to her etc...He told me that he let his cell phone get shut off about 2 weeks ago to help him stop talking to her...and that he had done some thinking and that he is now 100% committed to working things out no matter what it takes. So my question is, how much trust do I put in his committment? What kind of things should I ask him to do to show his committment? We still aren't able to live together because of financial reasons. He is living with a co-worker in town and I am living with his parents about an hour away and see him twice a week for counselling sessions.

Answer
He doesn’t sound like he is 100% committed to working on this relationship.  In order for your marriage to work you both need to put in 100%. He can’t be with her, in any way shape or form, and claim to be working it out with you!  There is not a thing you can do to ensure his honesty! That’s his deal. Give him this chance to prove himself and his commitment to you. Just keep watch. If you find any type of communication, or his unwillingness to be with you than walk away for good.
If he truly wanted to stop talking to her than he would. There is no excuse. Don’t buy into any excuse he may give you. You are giving him a chance to prove his love and respect for you and if blows it, walk!  His cell phone doesn’t need to be turned off, he doesn’t have to change his name or move to the moon. It is very black and white. He tells her "I’m married I am sorry that I even stared this with you but I love my wife and we are going to work on out marriage so leave me alone"
It is that simple. If he is struggling to stay away from her than you are going to have problems with him.
Why is he not living with you? I think that would be best. He could comminute to work or you could reside with him there.  People do it all the time. I’m little suspicious about him not wanting to be with you. I suggest that you tell him he needs to be with you. If that means waking up an hour or so earlier to go to work than he needs to do that. Families stick together and do whatever it takes to stay together.  I get the feeling that he is living it up while you are at his folks home- out sight out of mind! I hope this is not true, but if it is it needs to stop. He needs to be 100% committed. That means not only twice a week, but everyday in the trenches with his family.
So your first step is to be with him no matter what! That is marriage! Do that ASAP!
Secondly, keep on with the counseling and keep your eyes and ears open. If he is caught, no excuse should be taken. Walk, no run away from him!
Hope this helps and write me back if you have any more questions, concerns or just to update!
Sam