Expert: Don - 6/3/2007

Question
Hello,

In graduate school I dated a man for about two months, fell very much in love with him but never told him how I felt about him since it seemed like he did not want a serious relationship. He always treated me very well and was very affectionate and loving, everyone told me 'wow he's really in love with you' but we never talked about feelings or anything, because he didn't want a serious girlfriend. It did seem like he was falling in love with me, but I can't read minds. We had an amazing connection, never tired of each others presence. He was very gentle and sweet with me. He would hold me and kiss me tenderly all through the night.

One day he just coldly dumped me out of the blue, that was quite a shock, and I quit talking to him. He said the reason he wanted to break up was because he was too stressed out in getting his doctorate, but I strongly suspected it was another woman (instincts don't lie) so I completely stopped talking to him and avoided him. You see, I am a virgin, and he is not, so he probably got tired of waiting for me to sleep with him, I just assumed he moved on to someone else for sex because I was always seeing him with this one girl who looked exactly like his ex-girlfriend and the way they were acting it made me think there was something more. It's all speculation though.

In the following weeks/months he did make some small attempts such as asking me to dinner, emailng me a few times asking me to go to small events with him, hugging me when he saw me, and whenever he ran into me it seemed like he was about to kiss me and then would stop himself at the last minute.

I transferred to another school in another state, before I left, he met me before I left to go the airport to say goodbye. It was very sad. I wrote him a short email the day I left saying that he was the first man that ever made me happy, that I enjoyed our time together, that I would miss him, and best of luck for the future. I signed the email, "love always, Anna" and I didn't hear from him for about a month so I figured he didn't care, and I tried to move on and meet other men.

Yesterday a song came on the radio, it was his favorite song...it made me think of him and it made me cry. I was very sad. I signed online and saw there was a reply to my message from him, saying sorry it had taken him so long to get back to me but he had exams, asking me how I was at the new school, saying that he really missed me very much, and signed it "Love always, Marc". Well we had never discussed feelings and definitely not the "L" word.

So what do you think. Why do you think now after all this time, he writes me saying that stuff. Is he just doing it to be polite and a courteous response?

Or maybe he is having some regret in breaking up with me, because you never value something until you lose it?

Should I respond to him or just not reply since he is the past, despite still being in love with him, he may have been cheating on me, but either way the way he dumped me was really abrupt when he was so loving before. Why is he trying to keep contact now, that's weird. What is the wise thing to do?

-Anna

Answer
Your in two different places now, I think you should let it go. I'm not sure what to make out of his love comment, just because a person signs love always doesn't mean they're in love with you. There are many different kinds of love, so just because he wrote love doesn't mean it's the kind of love that means that person still wants to be with you.

I think it's time to let it go and hopefully you'll be able to find a new man at your new school to make you feel the same way he did. You should at least attempt to date other people.

I would advise you to keep in touch with him, just remain his friend but still try to go out and date other people. If after awhile and a few dates with other guys, he is still on your mind then contact him about your feelings, but you have to make sure you don't allow him to be vague with you again. If the two of you are going start a future relationship, then you need to let him know off the back what you expect, and don't let him do the same thing he did to you last time again.

I hope this helped and good luck