Expert: Sam E - 1/29/2007

Question
My wife cheated on me twice, Our relationship has suffered a lack of sex in our marriage. I found out because she left her email open, I confronted her openly and we discussed it without yelling. She claims she would never do this again but what are the odds she will?? I feel I can never touch her again with thses thoughts running thru my head. She was honest about everything....But how do we go on? and what can we do to re light that fire? I love her and she says she loves me...we are both willing to try but are stuck not knowing where to go. please help!

Answer
You need to ask yourself why would you stay with a woman who clearly has no respect for you or your marriage?
She cheated on you twice! There is a clear pattern here! The first time it happened did she claim it would never happen again? And it did right?
I suggest you separate from her. You both need to really think about the future of this marriage and you can’t do it if you are still in the same home. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and it tears you apart! You can’t try and heal when she is around. Every time you think you are moving past it, she will say or do something that will trigger your hurt and anger. You will keep reopening the wound. She needs to be out of the home because you need to start off slow and if she was around you may need up jumping into it too soon and the pain will arise again. Counseling helps you to heal. If after a time apart you decide it is not worth it, still seek counseling and start a legal separation or if you are 100% sure your dome, start the divorce.
You also need to work on your self-esteem. Cheaters cause great pain and tear down even the most confident of people! Remember, she is the one with the issues, not you! You need to work on bettering yourself and your life. You need to ask yourself why you allow this?
Leave her alone for a while! She is only causing you pain. Do yourself a favor and make her leave. She needs to see that you refuse to be treated with such disrespect. If you keep taking her back, than that tells her that she can keep cheating! Trust me when i say that when a man or a woman cheats on her/his mate more than once, it will happen over and over again!   
Focus on yourself and making your life better! Go back to school, work out, whatever it takes to get your self esteem back. All the things you have ever wanted to do but put on the back burner, you can now do. Change career, go back to school, buy a farm. Whatever it is that will make you happy. During this time apart you may find that you are not going to allow yourself to be treated this way! In fact, you are worth more than this!  Until you start to see that you are worthy of a good, respectful woman who loves you, you will keep allowing her to hurt you!
Surround yourself with family and friends. Get all the support you can.
Now is the time to do the right thing for yourself. Take it! You are a good man worthy of a woman who TRULY loves you!!
It's not worth the pain this woman will bring you!
I hope this helps!
Sam