Expert: Don Whiting - 3/26/2000

Question
I met a guy not too long ago named James that honestly seems to be what I am looking for. The only thing that has held me back kind of is the way that I like to have a little space at first and then eventually become very serious. From what I have heard about his ex, they broke up because he wanted to be serious and she didn`t. I guess I am just worried that he will jump into things too soon. Well I also know this guy named Charles. He has a girlfriend, but he calls me all the time and comes to me when they have problems and I enjoy helping. Recently though it seems that he is hinting to me that he wants to be closer to me, and I feel guilty because I think I gave him the impression that that was okay even though he has a girlfriend, just by the type of person that I am and some of the things I will say (playing around). For a while I was torn between Charles and James because I wanted them both in my life. Charles gave me this great boost of self-esteem knowing that he has a girl but he wants me, and just the excitement every time I would see him and his girlfriend together (I know that is horrible, but it is the truth). It fell apart though whenever we all happened to be some place at the same time... I guess you could say that me and Charles were talking and James walked up and thought we were about to do something else. Of course James got upset, but it confused me because me and James haven`t even really spoken to each other about hooking up anytime soon, so I didn`t understand quite why he was making it seem like I had just cheated on him. And I wasn`t even doing anything but TALKING to Charles. I left Charles and talked with James and told him that I didn`t have any feelings for Charles, and then everything seemed okay. Well 2 days ago, I ran into James at school and things were okay at first, but when I saw him later again that night, he wouldn`t talk to me. I called his friend to see what was wrong with him and he told me that James heard a lot of stuff about me and Charles, like that I like him and that we talk behind everyones back, and that everytime I am not with or talking to James then I am with Charles... None of it was true though. After that fight with James earlier, I had really pretty much decided that I wanted nothing to do with Charles anymore except for friends, and distant friends at that. I called James after I got off the phone with his friend and I tried to tell him that nothing that he heard was true, and that I only like him and I have never done anything with Charles except for talked on the phone (which is the truth, because he heard we made out and got sexual before). He just said that he wasn`t worried about it anymore, and when I asked if he was mad, he only replied with "I`m dropping it." He finally admitted that yes, he was pissed at me, and I asked if he didn`t believe me and he believed what everyone else was saying and he said he didn`t know. I just told him that I would give him time to think about it and I`d talk to him later. I ended up leaving for the weekend, so when I got back (today) I paged James. It has been a while now and he has still not called back, either. What does this mean, how do I fix things, and how can I make him understand that not only do I ONLY him and no one else, but that he will always hear crap about me and he can`t just go believing it? What do I do?

Answer
Please forgive my delay in answering your letter, I have been battling a touch of the flu, recently.

While I had the flu, I considered your questions, and came up with some thoughts.

There seems to be a lot of drama and reactions to other people going on in this situation.  Where there is drama and reactions - there is always something going on in the background that need to be looked at more than the situation itself.  This is another reason why I delayed answering your letter - in order to let the emotion of the moment die down so that we can look at this situation with distance of time to use thought and emotion.

The first thing that I would want to ask is if you have expressed your fears and thoughts to James?  Have you told him of your emotions/concerns about him possibly wanting to 'jump into things too soon'?  Why do you like this particular pattern of interaction (having space in a relationship first, then becoming very serious)?  Has it caused problems in the past?  If so, what kinds of problems?  Is there a pattern to these problems (is your distance attracting guys that want to be very close, very quick?  Do the guys that last to the part of you becoming serious then drift away when you become serious?)  Have you expressed how having Charles in your life makes you feel to James?

My thought behind these questions is that when we think about what we are contributing to a situation, we become less 'reactive' to the other people in the situation and more focused on our own actions and beliefs.  Then, we can worry less about how the other people act in that situation and what boundaries are and keeping them without fusing them into someone else's boundaries.

The second thought that I have is that any relationship under stress will have (at least) a third person involved to relieve that stress.  Charles may be relieving the stress of his relationship with his girlfriend by coming to you.  He may be expressing the side of himself (the fears, questions, insecurities, etc) that he feels that he cannot express to his girlfriend.  This may or may not be true.  By your involvement in their relationship, you may be serving some need in yourself to be 'the strong one, the one who can solve problems, and help other people'.

This 'triangulation' idea is the same when you called James' friend to figure out what was going on with him.  By acting as the 'go-between' he may have been reducing the stress in your relationship with James for both people.

Another thought is that people will work on their own issues in their own time.  James seems to be reacting to this situation with distance.  Men typically react to situations with a distancing position - to relieve the emotionally intense conflict that the situation creates within themselves.  You seemed to indicate that you had to press him to even get the information that he was pissed at you.  Another thing about most men is that they are not in touch with their feelings enough to figure out what is really going on within themselves.  He may be feeling anger, when he is really feeling a mix of betrayal (seeing a part of you that he thought you should have shared with him before now), fear, hurt, and resentment.  Typically, anger is a surface emotion.  There is always something going on underneath anger - some vulnerability that has been brought to the surface or hurt.  Getting back to the first sentence, he will have to work on those issues in his own time.  Having an emotionally reactive conversation is almost the same as an emotionally distancing position - both are reactions to internal anxiety over the situation.  This includes taking an emotionally distancing position from Charles - when you have been somewhat close in the past.

To answer your thoughts on what to do, I have a couple of thoughts on what I might do in this situation.  Based on the idea that people will process things in their own time, I might not even try to make him understand that I only want him and that he can't believe what other people believe about me.  I might tell him that I would like to continue a relationship with him, that I haven't been sexually involved with Charles, and what my relationship with Charles fulfills within myself.  I might even validate his thoughts that he might believe differently - that he believes that he saw something questionable when I might have a different explanation.  I might then continue with the thought that I would like to have the chance to show that I was trustworthy and that what I was saying had some merit, versus what other people are saying.  I would probably end my part of self-disclosure (but not necessarily the end of the conversation) by saying that I understand that he might need time and space to work on his trust of me and to think about the situation, and that I would appreciate it if he would let me know when he is ready to talk about it.

Notice that everything is focused on myself, my emotions, my thoughts, my ideas, and that I validate that someone else might have different emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and ideas.  By keeping the focus on my own actions, thoughts, and emotions, I can stay focused on how I contribute to the situation and staying open to everybody involved.  By staying "I" focused, I also reduce the chances of needing someone else to fill in the third position of the triangle, whenever I have a problem with my significant other.  It also reduces the chances of my filling the 'third leg' of the triangle in other situations - and then focuses more on my individual relationship with that person, versus how that person relates to someone else.

I hope I've given you some thoughts to take with you back to your relationship. I also hope these suggestions help. Please write back or
post a rating for me on AllExperts.com to let me know if I have been helpful. I like feedback on if I have helped or not - it gives me the
chance to improve my advice to people like yourself. Take care!

Don Whiting
Certified Volunteer AllExperts Expert
Check out my bio/ratings page!
http://www.allexperts.com/displayExpert.asp?Expert=9237