Expert: Sara - 4/7/2005

Question
Hey Sara,

  I have a situation with my fiancee. We've been together for 6 months (I know, very quick) and I do love her but she has an issue with flirting (she claims she has resolved this issue). This has been an on going issue where everything seems to be perfect until january when she told me "I trust you, not the females around you". I got extremely defensive because I am faithful (my eyes might wonder but thats natural for a guy heh), I never laid a finger on a woman and I am not controlling.  So with me getting upset with this situation, we became distance. At the end of january, I broke off the relationship and it got to a point where we did not talk to each other at all for 2 weeks. I've seen her walkin with a co worker from time to time and I decided to do a little snooping. She basically flirted with a bunch of guys but when I asked her about it, she denied it even after I showed her the evidence. I've broken it off 3 other times because she kept flirting. She now supposely is not flirting with anyone and is being serious about it that she even cries when we get into it. My friend told her just to let me go and she refuses to. I'm a sap with her because I do love her (no longer in love because of the stuff that has happened) but at the same time, the reason we kept getting back together is when I see her completely hurt. Right now she is having an ulcer issue which I am still upset with the whole situation but I do believe in sticking it through thick and through thin. Also, we do not spend as much time together due to our working schedules. In your honest opinion from what I have mention, what should I do? She does not want to take a break and keeps telling me im the only one she wants and that she only wants to be with me. My friends just say keep her around and look for someone else but I am not a playa nor will I cheat if I am still in the relationship. She truely "sounds" serious about the situation but where theres no trust, theres no relationship but I do love her that I am willing to work it out with her. Sara, in your honest opinion, what should I do and from what I have said, what are your opinions? You can call me a dummy if you would like even. I just want to ask someone that doesnt know me or her and wont take sides.

Answer
Hi there Jose. I can understand how feelings like this can stay for long periods of time, but I think that after all that's happend, you might want to let go. If you can't feel like she's telling you the truth and that there's a chance she may fool around, then you're never going to have a good relationship. And the fact that you've already broken up so many times is the first real clue for me. If you really loved each other, you wouldn't keep taking the easy way out and break up every time things got rough. Real relationships are harder than that and take much more time and effort. You can't just break up when things get rough. That's why I honestly think that you should take time for yourself and figure out what it is you really want out of a relationship with someone then concentrate on that instead of her. Maybe you'll find someone else instead. I know you love her and it's really hard to let go, but trust me when I say that in the long run, you're going to be much happier. Reading your story was like reading my past and I took the same advice from a friend and found my true soul mate after leaving the one I thought was the one. I've never been happier and I'm sure you can too! Good luck Jose! Take care and feel free to write again.
Sara