Expert: Sam E - 4/12/2007

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend went away for work with his female boss for two weeks.. during this time he did not ring me saying he was being polite for work, he also did not ring me till 9.30pm or 11pm every night saying he did not want to be rude for work that is why he only rang me those times.. I found out since that his boss was driving the car and they spent at lest six hours every day in the car to destinations to see clients.. they also always had dinner together and he said he was just having dinner with her to be polite and that everyone has dinner with their bosses while they are away and what's wrong with that? I also found out that the last night before they were due to come back, we had an arguement over the phone and I said I couldn't handle it any more and that I think he is cheating.. He then turned his phone off and switched it on four hours later and said briefly that he was going to have a shower and then call me straight back.... four hours later at 11pm he calls me and said he went down by him self to calm himself down and have a few drinks ... I later found out that the truth was he went down to have dinner with his boss, and told her that I was having a problem with him and though that he might be cheating.. and she said don't worry we all go through that... I have also found out that he lied and spoke to her about personal things as well.. and he still lied after I found out that he had lied to me... nine months after the incident he still denies that anything happened and said he lied yes... and thought that was the best option at the time... He never speaks badly of his boss and says he did it for work.. not for her but work.... and chose not to speak to me all day 14-16hours for work.... I also found out that they had rooms directly together and he lied and said he had no idea where her room was.. also lied and said he only had dinner with her a few times.. when actually they had dinner everynight..
I am deeply hurt by the event and am unsure if he has cheated on me.... I know he lied and continued to lie after even when I found out about the lies and he said he was just lying about the same lies with what happened during the two weeks and therefore he wasn't making new lies.. and I also found out that previously at work they travelled together to a computer lady in her car.. and often left his phone at work saying ... so what I forgot my phone.. and they continuosly went in her car and now they don't go out of the office much anymore like they use to.. after they went away a month and a half later he started going to work on time and left work on time.. and started to see me more often... I am not sure what to make of the situation and believe that he cheated... I was the one who found out in the first place that he lied to me and he denied lying until I provided some evidence that he lied about the rooms and other matters.... I don't really know what to do.. if he cheated I will leave.. how can I know if he cheated and what should I do ? I think the situation looks suspicious and so does my other friends..
ANSWER: It does seem very suspicious!. I suggest you sit down and tell him that you want the truth. You could even tell him that you already know everything but want to hear it from him. Chances are that he will not come out and admit any guilt. You can go and speak with this woman if that is possible. She may have the answers you seek. Other than this, you  will need to go on your gut  instinct . They are rarely wrong. If you feel he cheated, chances are he did.
~Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you your answer.. I have another two questions.. 1)why do you think that his attitude towards his work and me has changed a month and a half after the trip? in that he is now leaving work early(use to arrive heaps early) and arriving to work on time(not any earlier like he used to)? He is also seeing me everyday now, whereas before he use to see me about two days a week.... ? 2)The my other concern is that he also contacted me on other occassions when he had been away with friends and only while away with his Boss did he fail to contact me and gave heaps of excuses mainly that he was only doing it for work and to be polite for work that is why he did not contact me all day......
ANSWER: He may be feeling bad about something he "did" and is trying his best to look like a great guy to you!! Or he might be laying low for awhile until the fire dies down.  He may also have ended it with the other girl so he has no need to be there early.
His boss is the other woman from above? If so, he may have been up to no good again with her. It's really hard to say.
~Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you once again Sam for your input...
I have a few more questions.. Yes the boss is the other woman...
1)When he came back from this trip with his boss... he said he wanted to marry me.. I asked why and he said so that he wouldn't loose me and that I would be his...
2) After one and a half months after the trip he also suggested that we move in together and started staying over everynight... but I have not allowed him to move in completely yet...as I don't fully trust him now.
3) I am unsure whether to believe him anymore... as he lied to me to be polite to his boss... I really don't believe it.. but am unsure if I am reading into it more than I should...
4) His boss is going away again on business this year but he said he won't be going due to not being asked and that he doesn't need to see the clients again... not sure whether this is the truth or not..
5) How am I ever going to know the truth.. do you think it is possible for him to eventually tell me the truth or not ?




ANSWER: I doubt he will ever tell you the truth. Sometimes the truth has ways of coming to light, but you may never know. I assume that he cheated than felt awful or scared so he wants to marry you ASAP  incase you found out. It sounds like it is over now with her.  I don’t know if this will work but if you want you could tell him that you know he cheated and unless he tells you everything you are going to confront her. Tell him that someone who was there told someone who told you but you won’t say who. You only want the truth. You get what I’m telling you?  Its tricky and he may not come clean, but it has worked!
Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you Sam very much for your advice I have been struggling with these issues for nine months now and I seem to have lost the trust in him.. and don't know if I can get it back.. He believes that if he shows me that he won't lie then I should trust him again.. and keeps telling me that he may have lied but did not cheat...

I really don't believe him about the cheating part...after telling him I would confront the boss. and each time he said she has nothing to to with it ... it was his choice not hers.. I just couldn't handle it anymore so I  actually confronted his boss (something I thought I would never do, but I just wanted to find out the truth)and she said for me to ring her husband and he will tell me that she wouldn't cheat.. my answer was- how would he know as he wasn't there over the two weeks... She started off saying why he may have lied and not spoken to me ... pretty much repeating exactly to the word, what my boyfriend had told me(which I thought was bizzare).. I then asked her to tell me what had happened .. she said they talked about personal things and yes he told her about our relationship and how I was having trouble trusting him while he was away with her... she said there was no reason why he wouldn't have rang.. and said that she had dinner with him everynight because she didn't want to eat alone... she did tell me a few more things that my boyfriend denied to me previously... like the fact that he knocked on her door and also spoke to her about our personal relationship... saying he confided in her about us... and her exact comment was what else were they to do other than talk about personal things as they had heaps of free time.....  Whereas my boyfriend said they hardly had anytime as it was all work related chat.. and dinner was just to be polite, as well as not talking to me for 16 hours straight was due to being polite to his boss.. sounds very sus to me.. she also said that I must care very much for him to come and confront her.. I thought that was an odd thing to say.

Nine months later I am none the wiser... my boyfriend lied to me for 7 months until I found out the truth about his lies.. and then he said he will never lie again saying he was only lying about the same things so that is ok as he didn't tell me any new lies.. any thoughts on this?

I am wondering why also every time I bring up what happened he keeps protecting her and saying that it was his decision and choice to lie and not ring me.. He keeps protecting her .. I do not know why he would? Any thoughts?

The other thing that I think about and am unsure of, is why would he still want to work with her and seems to have no problem with her, and gets mad at me when I bring the situation up and he keeps protecting her, saying she has nothing to do with what he choose.. and yet get mad at me not at her? any sugestions?

Another question you mentioned that he might have felt scared so he wants to marry me.. what do you mean by maybe feeling scared? do you mean that he was scared? you may have a valid point...

I am trying to get on with my life, but need to know that I have considered all points of view.. I really do appreciated your opinions and am very greatful indeed... :)
ANSWER: He is also in a tough place because it is his boss so some of his protecting could be him protecting his job! She is also married so he may want this whole thing behind him and he gets upset because you will not let it go. He doesn’t not understand your point of view on this.  
I meant scared to lose you.
Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: If he was scared to loose me why possibly cheat and lie in the first place?... I can not understand how he could possibly want me after maybe sleeping with her and making sure she is happy over making me happy.. ( by that I mean by not talking to me but being with her all day and having dinner etc.. and lying to me about that and other things...

How can he come back after being with her and want to be with me? I do not understand...? If you can shed some light that would be appreciated...

Why would he want me now and after the trip.. if he did not want me then..? ( meaning he wanted her and not me)..


Answer
I have no answer for that other than he is not 100% committed to you. It may have went sour with her or guilt set in and he felt awful.
When someone cheats it a pretty cleat indication that he/she is not that into you. Cheating becomes easy. For many people they can cheat with no guilt whatsoever. For others, they become so overwhelmed with guilt they never do it gain. Those are the ones that can salvage a broken  relationship. The ones that don’t have shame or remorse will continue to cheat and leaving becomes the only way out. Check this website out...http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/29128/can-cheaters-change  AND THIS ONE....http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/25031/is-it-time-to-dump-him
~sam