Expert: Don - 9/13/2007

Question
QUESTION: hi, I have been with my husband for almost 13 years married for 2 years.... We lived with my parents, then got engaged and purchased a house together. Thats when things started to change. I found out that my husband was cheating and had a baby with this women he kept it secret fro almost 4 years the baby is a year old..... to top it off he also had another affair with another women who he has since cut off.... I just had a baby, and Seekign a divorce.... hoping that the divorce papers would make my husband finially change.. My husband tells he that he loves doesn't want to get divorced wants to work things out etc.. but doesn't seem to give up the girl he's been having an affair with.. Turns out he;s telling the other women the same things that he loves her wants to be with her.. What kind of person does this heart wrenching thing to another person.. He keeps claimign that he will change soon... and i tell him he has to change now otherwise the divorce is going through,,,I'm in pain crying at least once a day over this cruelty he's done to me and keeps doign to me.. What do you make of a person like this.. ? How do I make him understand that he cannopt maintain two relationships.?

ANSWER: You husband appears to be a selfish person who only thinks about his own interest and he's not going to change. If I were you I would go through with the divorce.

He's never going to be able to cut the other woman completely out of his life anyway because of the child you share, so she's always going be around and he's always going to try to maintain more than just a friendly relationship with her.

Your husband is going to continue to try to date both of you because that is what he wants and him getting what he wants is all he cares about, he doesn't care about the two of your feelings because if he did he would have never cheated to begin with.

I would go through with the divorce because if you stay with him, you'll only be sharing him with that other woman forever.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Okay , thank you for your answer. Do you have any advice as to I may try to push him out of my life...I know I need to set Boundaries but Can't begin to know how to do this.. I have asked my husband to leave me alone, to let go of me.. But he says that he can't that he stills loves me.. I just don't know how to think, On one hand I'm trying to think possibly we can work things out..the other hand I can't live with the fact that he is still with this other women... I'bve tried to get out of the relationship but he has a way of sucking me back in..

Answer
You just have to put your foot down, let him know that you need some time to figure out what you want out of life. Tell him that you can't figure that out with him around you constantly and if he ever hopes to get you back he needs to give you some time alone to get your thoughts together.