Expert: Don - 6/28/2007

Question
I was dating this guy in my masters program for months, and he dated me, only me, and he seemed really into me. All my friends were thrilled. All his friends were thrilled. Everyone said what a cute couple we were. He was very endearing, very caring, and seemed very vulnerable as they always do. He was very gentle with me and seemed like a very sweet guy.

Then one day he came to me and said he had to break up with me because of school and his grades were not good. Since he is a top student, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week later he was dating another girl. Turns out he had been cheating on me with her the entire time. (I did not find out all this until months later because they were both very discreet, he didn't want me to know, and also I think the girl had a boyfriend back home so that's why they were dating in secret.) But hey - at least he had the decency to break up with me...right? I mean, most guys would just cheat and string women along for years.

I completely cut him out of my life. In the few weeks/months that followed, (he plays guitar in a Christian band - why do cheaters always hide behind religion?) he emailed me to come out to events on the beach that would happen (and I would never come), he asked me to come see him play guitar with his band (I would never go) he would come up to me in the food line out of the blue and ask me to have dinner with him (I couldn't avoid him so I kept the conversation neutral) you see I had been seeing him around with this girl (I didn’t know about them yet) and they were acting very suspicious, so I was starting to suspect that the 'school' excuse was just crap...that's why I was keeping my distance...and once I ran into him, so I hugged him and it seemed like he was going to kiss me and at the last moment stopped himself. A few times after that when he was sitting outside on the picnic benches with his buddies, and if I walked by he would hug me, pull me close, pat the bench next to him and ask me to sit with him and I always said I had to go.

I started a doctoral program and before I left, I said goodbye and told him that I had enjoyed our time together, that he had made me very happy when we were dating, and best of luck for the future. (I didn't know about the cheating or the girl or anything really then, just suspicion no proof because they were very discreet) My friends say the girl is really trashy and they are hooking up just for sex...something I never gave him...I heard she has a boyfriend back home but is cheating on him with my ex...who knows.

So I started my doctoral program and then randomly heard from him months later. Now he emails me, asking about the new school, glad that I am pursuing a doctorate, that he misses me very much, and that he will always love me. What the hell?!??! This came out of nowhere months later. (By this time I had figured out he was cheating on me and dumped me for another girl)

From what I have told you, what is the cause of all this?

A) Things between her and him didn't work out, so he has finally come to realize what he lost? They could still be together of course.
B) He feels guilty about what he did to me? Because I was a nice girl who really loved him and he just threw it aside to chase after sex.
C) He just wants us to remain a friendly vibe because he doesn’t want his exes hating him, etc.
D) He misses me and has finally realized what he lost.

You see, I am not a skanky girl, I am very classy, don't hook up with random guys, and him and I had a lot in common. We used to stay up all night playing guitar together. Whereas that girl and him have good times and sex. Also, and not to sound conceited, but I am much more beautiful than her...she is not all that good looking...which people were stumped as to how he could ever dump me for her. Well after that I have blocked his emails, torn up his photos etc. so he can't contact me anymore and I can't contact him. So I am moving on.

But I am still curious. As to why he wants to keep that connection. And why that day he almost kissed me if he is with her now. What do you know from your experience?  

Answer
Like the old saying goes you don't miss something to it's dead or it's gone.

People tend to go for a quick fix and don't think about the consequences until it's to late. What I mean by that is he went with her because she'd give him sex so easily, but after he got it he realized what a good thing he had in you, and now he wants that back.

I guess he figures if he can get you to talk to him again, then maybe he has a chance to get back into your life. He knows he had a good thing with you and he regrets giving it up for a piece of ass.

So that's more than likely what has happened.