Expert: Sam E - 12/16/2006

Question
Thank you for your response.  I know that everything you said is 100% correct and I've been struggling for the past week or so to do exactly what you say ... walk away.  And I'm close to doing so.  I know that he will never change and if it wasn't me ... it would be someone else (same goes for her).  But should I tell his girlfriend what's been going on??  Part of it's for "revenge" ... but she also has a right to know.  There are so many people who know about the situation but won't say anything because of how bad it would hurt her. I wish someone would've told me that the two of them were sleeping together while he was living with me!!
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 3 years.  About 2 1/2 years into our relationship, we decided to move in together.  To make a long story short, about 5 months later, I found out he was cheating on me.  I moved out.  About 4 days after I moved, he started calling me.  Less than a week after that, we started having a sexual affair.  
 He is still with the girl he left me for.  So, now he is cheating on her, with me.  The only time she spends any time with him is on the weekends (and at work .. they work in the same office).  During the week, he is with me.  He is very affectionate when we are together and constantly complains to me about her.  But yet, he doesn't leave her.  There are so many signs that he is being unfaithful but she refuses to see them.  She knows about me (obviously not the affair part) and from what I've heard from a mutual friend, gave him an ultimatum .. either me or her.  Supposedly he told her that he wasn't willing to end our friendship.  Apparently the ultimatum was an empty threat because she's still around.
 Besides "having his cake and eating it too", what does he want from me??  I've spent many sleepless nights trying to figure it out.  I don't want a relationship with him .. at least not like what we had.  I don't trust him because of not only what he did to me, but what he's doing to her.  But, I also don't want her in the picture either.  I want to tell her what's going on, but I don't know how to go about doing it or if I should.  If she finds out from me, it will destroy any kind of relationship I have with him.
-----Answer-----
Obviously he is a cheater. You left him or he left you because he was cheating and he is now cheating on her.
The question should be, what do you want from him? You must know that if he left her for you, he would cheat on you. You don’t want a relationship with him, so what do you want? You know what he is about. He is using you and her. He  doesn’t love either one of you. You don’t treat people this way if you love them.   He is using you both for his own pleasure.  Your (and hers) feelings and needs do not matter to him. I don’t know what he says to you to make you continue on this way, but I’m sure it is a lie. His actions speak louder.  I think you need to ask yourself why you allow him to treat you this way?
You need to walk away from this. I think you may be having some self-esteem issues and until you can build yourself up, you will continue to be caught in these type of relationships. You need to see your own worth and value. You will never be fulfilled or valued as long as you stay with him or in any other cheating relationships.
I suggest you start to focus more on you and bettering yourself and your life. I’m sure you know that this type of relationship is nothing but painful and confusing. I can tell you with 100% assurance that this will not change. He will not suddenly become the man of your dreams.  He will only be with women who allow him to treat them with such disregard. Look at what is happening now. He is with her because he knows he can cheat. She is still there. The same goes with you. If you walk he won't care. there will always be another sucker to take your place. He could care less about you or her. If he loved you he never would have cheated and he still would not be.  Even if she finds out and leaves him, there will be another girl to take her place.
Never mind him and her. You need to rise above this and move on. There are so many wonderful men out there that will love and respect you. Why waste time on this? Ask yourself do you really want this in your life? Where will it led?
Hope this helps,
sam

Answer
I see what your saying and I agree. I think you should tell her but do it calmly.  What I mean by this is. Tell her you need to talk with her and if she can meet you somewhere. You want to tell her in a very nice way (if there is a nice way to tell someone this). If you are “nice” about it and are letting her know that you are just telling her because you feel bad and you wish someone would have told you, she is less likely to freak out and not believe you.
If you call her up and say look Bit** I’m sleeping with your man. She will most likely hang up ask, him about it, he’ll deny it and say your just jealous and mad  and she will believe him.  If you are calm and acting very sorry about it, she is more likely to believe you. If you have some evidence of the cheating you may want to gather it up to show her if you need to.
If meeting in person is not wise, call her but be cool.
This will also put an end to this madness with him.
Good luck and you can write back anytime or keep me updated!
Sam