Expert: Sam E - 1/6/2007

Question
Hi,
I met this girl on train, i liked her, I asked her out.
We started talking she told me she was looking to get married. She had been married twice and been in lots of relationships after that. We started seeing each other, she wanted me to be like her prev bfs, one of thenm happened to be really rich and cooldude. anyway we got engaged, she wanted me to buy the house which was coming to be very expensive so i pulled out after making the offer on  house. she got pissed, her parenst also interfered a lot, called my parenst names etc. she broke off the engagement. stopped taking my calls. i asked for my ring back.
My friends told me she is bad news, i did not listen to anyone.
Her friends loved me, she did not like it.
After some time she came back and wanted me to give another shot. we did, but this time i was lil careful, her reputation in the city and circle of common friends was very bad.
After some time she started saying that we ight end up as friends etc. I told her we cannot be friends, she talks to all her ex.
I just stopped calling her she  never called me again.. i waited for her. she says something does something else.
Now she and her best friend had a fight and dirty laundry was washed in public, one of the things was that while she was engaged with me she cheated on me with that rich guy, who does not want to marry her.
Icalled her up and some of her friends who brought us back.
she said no she did not cheat, but she did not fight and say things to me she just said no, I know she was lying.
I am devastated, i loved her so much, i stood against anyone for her for a year and this is what i got.
I dont know what to do.. i told her that I know she cheated and called her names and told her to loose my contact info.
My self esteem and confidence has been broken.
hope you can tell me waht to do.

Answer
I hope that you are no longer with her and that you never go back to her. She is the one with the obvious problem but unfortunately, she made you feel like there was something wrong with you.
There are a few things you need to keep in mind.
First, she has been in many failed relationships. That tells me that she seems to have a lot of issues when it comes to intimacy and love. That is HER problem, not yours. You were the one willing to stay committed and honest. SHE decided not to.
Secondly, whatever has happened between the two of you was not your doing. You are not a bad person. You are not a looser or an ugly guy. She was making bad chooses in the relationship and in the process of doing that, she made you feel somehow unworthy.
Like I had mentioned above, she is the one who has the issues. She has the track record. Your only mistake was falling in love with a women who won’t love you back. This does not mean that you are a looser. This simply means that she was not meant for you. Period!
So many times when we are treated poorly we take all the blame. We forget that we were not the one that did wrong. Put it in perspective.  She has issues that have nothing to do with you. She had them when she met you and you can’t change that.       
Think about it. You have some fantasy relationship in your head. You think that you are to blame and if you only had done A B and C differently she would have loved you. NOT TRUE!! You probably did A B C D and E and it made no difference. You probably bent over backwards for her and she still ran around. My question to you is, if you have to jump through fiery rings in hopes of making your fiancee love and respect you, are they truly worth it? If someone loves you, you don’t have to do a thing but love them back.
So let her go. If she came back she would only do this again and again and you can’t change it. She is who she is. Why be with a girl who makes you feel so bad? Life is too short to waste on someone like that.
Stop blaming yourself and trying to make her love you.  It won't work. If you let her keep coming back into your life she will only tear you apart. Don’t let her use you anymore. Move on. No more contact with her unless it is related to business like matters (if you own a home or things like that).
Focus on yourself and making your life better! Go back to school, work out, whatever it takes to get your self esteem back.
Surround yourself with family and friends. Get all the support you can.
Now is the time to do the right thing for yourself. Take it!
All the things you have ever wanted to do but put on the back burner, you can now do. Change career, go back to school, buy a farm. Whatever it is that will make you happy. She is not worth it.  The pain of separating is going to be bad at first, but in the long run staying with her will hurt 2000000 times worse. Let her go. Trust me when you find a women who does love you, you will wonder why you ever wasted so much time on this girl.
Good luck and write me anytime!!
Sam