Expert: Drea Jean - 5/18/2006

Question
Hi there,

I was in a wonderful relationship, and there are a few questions I have. First is there any way if she even decides to give me a shot at this again, that I can regain her trust, I am willing to open up every sector of my life so she can feel comfortable.

Second which will go into why I technically mentally cheated. I am so insecure and was worried I was unattractive to other women, I would lead women on over the internet, and when I knew I had their attention, I won, and I left it alone. After a few weeks I had to do it again to regain that feeling. The problem is even if she and myself do or dont get together, she is naturally going to get a feeling that it was something she missed, but we had a wonderful relationnship, she did nothing wrong other than like a sick bastard like me.

Please help,  

Answer
Hi Andrew,

Without divulging to much of my own personal info, I can tell you I have had a very similar thing happen to me. My fiance was engaging in the same behavior you were, and for the same reasons. It was very damaging to our relationship, but we are working through it. So, from a womans point of view, I can tell you what has helped me, and maybe you will be able to use some of that to be able to work through it with her.

Yes, you can regain her trust, but it will take some time. And you will ABSOLOUTLEY have to open up your life. She needs to be able to contact you any hour she chooses, and you have to be exact in telling her where you are, where you've been, and where you are going, and dont stray from that even a little. You should give her any passowrd you have to anything on the computer, or, even better, close out anything that is not important, and even better than that, give up the computer all together. You want her to feel comfortable, and know you learned from your mistake.

Next, you will have to be prepared to accept SOLE responsbility for your actions, and more than once. She will be angry, and hurt, and may say things just to hurt you. I did this to my fiance, for me it was a way to get back. You have to be prepared for it, and know it is her anger talking, and give her a little leway. Dont let her beat you down, but realize sometimes she may say something, and if you can, don't become angry.

For me, knowing why he did it was helpful. I came to know it wasn't that he was dis-satisfied with me, but rather with himself, and I could help him with that. It changed a liitle for the better when I knew he was feeling down on himself, I made an extra effort to take care of him, and tell him the things I thought he needed, that were true, but I had often neglected to tell him. She needs to know, wether you are together or not, that SHE was not to blame. She should know why you did it, and that you felt as if she was wonderful to you, but you felt bad about yourself, and not bad about her. This will make forgiving easier. Also, if you feel like you need it, if you feel as if it would help you, seeking out counseling will help you, and show her you are ready to find a better way to deal with your insecurities.

Give her some time to be hurt, and to be angry. Give her the space she needs to heal, and let her know what you are willing to do to repair it, and that the ball is in her court, and you will be there for her if or when she is ready.

Building trust is going to be on your shoulders, and you will need to be open and honest even about the smallest things. And go back to the point in your relationship where things were good. Make it a fresh, new relationship, back to all the romantic things that you both may miss.

I wish you luck, and I have been there. It can be okay, it can work, and if you have anymore questions, feel free to ask.

Good Luck and Thanks,

Drea Jean