Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 9/19/2007

Question
QUESTION: I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. The last year of our relationship was very, very hard, we fell into the trap of making no effort with each other. My boyfriend broke up with me saying the he didn't love me the same way anymore etc and I was devastated. We decided to have a break for a  week and after a couple of days he came back saying he did love me and then a couple of days ended it again. The next week I had a drunken one night stand which meant nothing and i deeply regret what i did but I was hurting so much. We ended up getting back together a week later and then split again. I then went out again and brought a friend of a friend home but could not do anything because I was so upset. My boyfriend knocked at the door that morning to find him there and assumed the worst. I lied to him and told him that my friend was getting together with him but left early because i knew he would thing something happened when it didn't. He didn't believe what i told him and we had many arguments whereby i called him a psycho etc because he didn't believe me because i was so scared of him finding out I was lying and not believing the truth, that nothing happened. We got back together and had a fantastic month and proved that we are really great together. I ended up telling him the truth and then decided to tell him about the one night stand as well believing that we couldn't go anywhere based on lies. He is devastated and doesn't think he can ever get over the fact that i have slept with someone else... that our relationship is no longer pure etc. He told me he is still IN love with but just so hurt and angry that I lied. I love him with all my heart and really believe he is the one. What can i do to make him see?? We weren't together and i was hurting so much... It is killing me to thing that we still love each other and that everything we have could be wasted because of this. But can he get over this???

ANSWER: That is a very sad story.  Yes he can and may forgive you.  If he truly loves you, and it sounds like he does... you should be OK.  Unfortunately forgiveness and healing take time.  During this time of healing you must be a good girl.  Meaning, you should not be expected to walk on egg shells, but you must "love" him.  Go out of your way to focus on making him feel loved; Not smothered, but loved.  At the beginning let him know once and for all that you came clean because you do want a "pure" relationship, and that you will  be loyal and honest with him always.  He needs to feel in his heart that you are his and only his.  Unfortunately there will be residual memories of the bad events, but you must allow time to make them go away.  Take a lot of deep breaths.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi sorry to write again. Last night my bf was saying that this relationship is over and that we may start a new one in a month 2months down the line. He is today saying that he will never get over this and he can never get back with me and that i need to move on... but still he loves me but I needs to get over. I have told him that i will wait for as long as it takes that i will prove that i am all his and not get with anyone or go near another man to prove that i am true to him. He also admitted that he met a girl when we were on a break and that he went to dinner with her and stayed at her house but could only kiss her and couldt sleep with her because of me. I am devastated but can get over it because i love him. He is now saying he wishes he had slept with her because i would know how he is feeling. I'm so confused but cant stop fighting for him. He is also saying he is 110% that we are not meant to be because i have slept with someone else... is this just his emotions on and off again?? He gives hope then takes it away... to me this means keep fighting its just the way he is dealing with the issues... am i right?????

Answer
The on again off again thing is not good.  He seems to be stringing you along like a little puppy dog.  By giving you a taste of what you want and then pulling it away, you will want to fight desperately to get that taste again.  If he really does love you he would not want to put you through all of this.  The thing about visiting another girl and just kissing raises an eyebrow.  Why would he tell you this.  Usually this is because he wants you to know that he did something, probably the same thing as you, but he wants you to believe that you are worse than him.  Thus giving him full control. He really does need to make up his mind.  If he dumps you, you need to go on with your life.  Unless you know that he will be back and you are willing to deal with whatever and whoever he did when he was away.  If you love him and he loves you you will both be faithful and together.  It is difficult, and a waste of time to fight for someone who does not really want you.  You have to establish this before the fight begins.