Expert: Drea Jean - 5/20/2006

Question
Hi,

I'm a 21 yr old male and my girlfriend is 20. We've been going out for a little over 2 years, I first me her in 2003, her name's Emma and i'm Sam. All in all we've lived together for a little over a year and had many problems, such as helping my girlfriend with OCD and other issues, and eventually it didn't work out as arguments could never be resolved so my girlfriend moved back to her mum's house, and i've been living by myself for around 6 months now.

In the whole relationship i've cheated on her three times, the first was around 6 months into the relationship, I was at a bar with my best friend, and this girl started kissing me... Luckily I was ill straight after in shock so nothing else happened that night, although I was drunk.

I felt terrible after this and instantly told my girlfriend as I like to be honest, she forgave me on this one yet was worried about trusting me again.

Around a year later I was at a club with lots of friends, at the time i was still living with my partner, but we were having big problems and I felt like I was free to roam at the time when drunk again at a club. This time I made a move on a girl on the dancefloor who i'd been dancing with, just kissing her and caressing her, this carried on for a while until the club closed, and it was time to go home. I walked with her, her friend (where she was staying at) and my friends... I was invited for a coffee when we got back to where she was staying and  wanted to accept but luckily my friend pulled me back on this and told me to think of Emma and how this could ruin the relationship. So i went home to my girlfriend after that and confessed a week later, this made a big impact on the relationship and she was really beginning to lose all trust in me. Luckily she forgave me again after a little while and we were more or less fine.

Throughout the relationship my gilrfriend could hardly ever reach out and give me affection, the same went for sex, I was always the one asking or making the move, she enver did which made me feel bad and like a pervert especially f she didn't want it. Either she didn't know how to reach out or she didn't really love me, i'm always being affectionate towards her and feel really pushed away and distant from her...this is how I felt at the barbeque night as talked about below:

Recently, 2 weeks ago my friend and his girlfriend had a barbeque, I was invited, my girlfriend too and this other girl. That evening I was chatting heavily to this other girl called Zoe and tried to involve my girlfriend in the conversation but she wasn't really picking up and was happy being quiet.. I was upset and felt I was the most sociable person out of the relationship, I didn't even know this girl Zoe before I met her at the BBQ. Anyways the night went on and my girlfriend and I got a lift back, I was dropped off at the flat and my girlfriend was driven home with her mum. It was 10:30 and I decided this was too early to call it a night, so I hopped on my motorbike, and went back as I was having fun with the others there. So when I got back I drank a lot of beers, and liquor, and stayed the night there. I shared the sofa bed with Zoe... She started to tickle me and i did the same back, and this led on to touching and caressing each other. after that I got carried away and touched her all over.. She wouldn't do it to me as she respected my girlfriend (she says). I ended up performing foreplay on her and it felt good at the time, I was wasted I didn't have a care in the world.

The next day I couldn't belive what I had done and felt so guilty about it, I went to see my girlfriend and she was worried I had slept with her and so I confessed.

This is the third time I cheated on her, and this time the worst, and she dumped me yet a week on wanted to be friends.

I truly love Emma and she loves me back, yet she can't forgive me on this one and I've never felt so down and depressed as she was my life and I never realised till now.

Do you think I should be forgiven for this, or have I really blown it? Bearing in mind I would never cheat on her being sobre, though I can't blame the alcohol for my actions.

Thanks for helping !

Answer
Hi Sam,

Whether or not you should be forgiven is all up to Emma. But I will tell you, she has every right to be concerned, this is the third time, and the worse of all of them. To her, it may feel like the fact you may sleep with some one else will definitley happen, as the cheating just keeps happening and getting worse.

You CAN be forgiven, and the relationship can improve, but only she can decide if she wants to forgive you, and work on it. Give her a little time to sort out her emotions, and let her know how truly sorry you are, and how much you now realize what you have done. AND, as a promise to her, if she wants to get together, tell her you will STOP drinking. The only time you faulter, is was you have been drinking, so to save yourself from trouble, and ease her mind, don't drink when there are girls that are around you may be tempted by.

I wish you the best,

Drea Jean