Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/17/2007

Question
One afternoon together about 2mo into our relationship, my girlfriend said to me "This is the best love i've even had. It's better than I thought love could be." I told her that night, on our way to work (we work together) that this was probably the best day of my life. So it came as a tremendous shock to me when I showed up at her apt one morning (after late-night work) w/ some groceries for her & her 2yr-old daughter & was introduced to her ex-bf, who, she said, had spent the night.
Nothing happened, she said--they just watched a movie & caught up on things. I noticed that there was a melted candle on the tabletop, & the movie they'd watched was "An Affair to Remember" of all things (which I had bought for her a couple of weeks before). The ex left & I tried my best to act as if she'd told the truth, but pretty soon, I was in anguish. She stuck w/ her story at 1st but eventually told me that she still had feelings for him. 2 weeks later she broke up w/ me to be w/ him. According to her, though, it was b/c I didn't trust her. The next morning, the ex's car was at her apt. He'd stayed the night.
I was still in love w/ her & still wanted her, though. & very soon, she gave up on her ex & came back to me. Doubts about her still lingered & were strengthened by the stories she told me about her past. (I still don't know why she told me this stuff.)
She did a lot of drugs when she was in jr. high & high school. She was basically an alcoholic before she graduated hs. When she was 17 or 18 she decided to be extremely promiscuous. Apparently she'd go to parties & get drunk & have sex w/ whoever. She did tell me she liked getting guys who "couldn't get any". She almost worked at a strip club. She almost decided to abort her daughter. Not long ago she said that when she was about 13 she had made a decision to become a completely different person, to hit rock bottom & build herself back up, & that this was why she did at least some of this stuff.
Well, even when she told me these things, I did my best to discount it as "in the past" & not "her" anymore. I was still in love w/ her. But she inexplicably kept telling me things: She'd had sex w/ her ex's 2 best friends; she had threesomes w/ her husband & their friends at his request; she left her daughter w/ her parents & went out & got drunk & had sex w/ a 16yr-old girl (when she was 20); when she was pregnant for the 1st time, at age 16, I guess, she miscarried, possibly b/c she drank & smoked heavily & did drugs. When I read a current diary entry that said she needed to "figure out my 'need' for emotionless 'encounters'", I knew I was at my limit.
When we broke up in July, she said that she knew she wanted to be w/ the ex (w/ whom she had a "horrible 1yr relationship"). But we kept doing things as before: hanging out together, having sex, etc. All that was lacking was my sense of commitment to her. She asked me suddenly one day if we were "just friends" & was really disappointed when I said yes. She got depressed & I missed a day of work to stay w/ her b/c I was worried about her killing herself.
I decided to be w/ her again just to keep her from being so sad, expecting her to break up w/ me before long. By this time, I was not at all in love w/ her & was starting to dislike her in general. My increasing coldness to her became too much to tolerate & we broke up.
We tried to be friends & still hung out & had several emotional conversations about how I felt about her & how she felt about me, now & before.
One day at work together, she yelled at me furiously for something clumsy I did that physically injured her. I said I'm sorry but basically just shut down & ignored her afterward b/c she seemed so unreasonably angry. My coldness in this situation, she later told me, was just the push she needed to move on w/ her life, to get over me.
& she did, very quickly.

I left her basically b/c I think she's a white trash slut. She is my 1st gf & having this opinion of her makes me think less of myself, though. The only attractive girl who's shown any interest in me is someone who will show interest in just about anybody, including an alcoholic, cheating husband, a manipulative & controlling bf before me, & currently she's f-ing (but not in a relationship w/) some 20-yr old pothead that she invites over after her daughter goes to bed.
I feel miserable about this relationship. It's such a huge disappointment. I know that she loved me very much, even when I was thinking of her as a skank. She wanted to marry me--she bought me a ring after we broke up & had my name tattooed on her back. But still I feel scammed by this relationship, as if the love of someone like that just isn't worth much of anything. I know that if we'd gotten to know each other better before dating, I wouldn't have wanted her. Am I just being an uptight Victorian or what?

Thanks.

Answer
Your feelings about this girl are valid and accurate. Unfortunately she has obviously gone through a lot in her life.  The fact that she became promiscuous I am sure has little to do with a thirteen year old girl decision to change.  She was obviously abused by men.  When you showed her true love, she did not know how to take it.  But she fell for you.  When you began to doubt her loyalty, based upon her sorted past, she felt the distrust and fell back into what she knows.  Sexual pleasure is her substitute for love.  While she is having sex with a man, he desires and wants her at that time.  He may abuse her afterwards, but during the act, she is "loved".  Your love for her was real, but, she can not handle real love.  If you would have married her you would have been for a life of distrust, infidelity, emotional pain, and more.  I know it hurts when you lose someone that you love, but I really think this is for the best.