Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 11/28/2007

Question
QUESTION: Ok here goes:

I am 22 my girlfriend is 23.  We started dating in mid-march of this year so we've been together for almost 9 months.  After 2 months of dating I had an out of town internship in Atlanta for 3 months.  We knew this was going to be difficult because we had only been dating for 2 months but we really cared a lot about each other and we wanted to make it work. Well, it was very difficult, but we did make it work, or so I thought.

When my gf and I started dating she had recently gotten out of a 2 yr relationship with her best friend (they were best friends before they started dating).  They made a promise to each other after they broke up to make an effort to maintain their friendship because it meant a lot to them (I was perfectly OK and understanding with this).

Our long distance relationship was pretty rocky, it was hard for the both of us to see so little of each other when we had been seeing each other so much for 2 months.  1 month into the long distance relationship (3 months into our relationship) her, some friends, and this same ex-bf went out for a night on the town to have a good time.  They ended up getting really drunk and had sex.  My gf could've easily gotten away with it and not told me, we were in different states at the time, there was no way I would find out.  However, she did tell me, but not until 2 months ago (3 months after it happened).  She didn't want to tell me while I was in Atlanta because she knew I was having a tough time with everything and she didn't want to add to my burden.  

She feels terrible about it.  And I know she is really guilty about it and she cares about our relationship or else she wouldn't have told me.  She said that her relationship with her ex-bf ended really abruptly and didn't really have much closure.  She said, as bad as it sounds, that night really helped her close that chapter in her life because the next day she realized that she made a huge mistake and what happened meant nothing to her so she was able to close that chapter of her life with him.

I was devastated when I found out because I love her to death and she betrayed my trust.  However, all bias aside, I truly know she is sorry and I believe it won't happen again.  She did it with a guy who she had a 2 year history with, still hadn't really gotten over, but it meant nothing and she is 100% committed to me now.  I know I will never be able to forget this but I really want to forgive her.  I told her that I would and we've been continuing our relationship for about 2 months since she told me.

I've been having a really hard time getting over this.  I try not to think about it but I can't help it and it hurts/angers me every time I think about it.  Sometimes when I'm upset I'll bring it up to her and for the most part she just took it and wouldn't say anything.  However, just recently, she got really mad and said that she is really sorry about what happened, she made a huge mistake, and she paid for her mistake but one thing she won't allow any more is to be antagonized and constantly reminded of her mistake over and over again just because I'm having a hard time getting over it.  I don't bring it up to antagonize her, I bring it up because I'm hurting and want to let her know that I'm hurting but I understand that it constantly makes her feel like she is the "bad one" and a bad person and she told me that I have to stop.

I love her very much. Aside from the one incident, she has never lied to me, always respected me, always has my back, and is really fun to be around.  I appreciate the fact that she told me because I know that if she hadn't told me I would've never found out, so that demonstrates genuine honesty and care (I didn't have to catch her, her conscience forced her to do the right thing by telling me).  I want to forgive her and forget about what happened so that this image won't taint my mind and my thoughts about her but I'm having a tough time with it.

Any advice on how to get over this or what I should do would be really appreciated.

Thanks
Al

ANSWER: If you really love her and believe that she has been honest with you, then you need to be totally honest with her.  You need to explain to her that the reason you bring up her indiscretion is because you are afraid of losing her.  Or whatever, she will more than likely be willing to be totally honest with you and help you to get through it.  You have to trust her completely if you love her and want to be with her.  It will be very hard to get through; and impossible to forget.  Over time it will get easier.  Like I said, it is much easier to deal with if you believe she is totally honest with you.  Good Luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: We actually had a long talk about this last night.  She loves me and I love her and I know for a fact that she has been honest with me and I'm being honest with her.  She is scared that I'm never gonna get over it and she feels as if that this will be a constant burden between us.  That scares her because she doesn't want to be in a relationship that is forever tainted.  I told her it's not gonna be easy but I will get over it and even though I'll never be able to forget it, I will get to the point where it doesn't affect me like it does now.

One question I have is I know she would be willing to help me get through this but to be honest I don't even know what kind of things she can do to help me get through this.  Last night after we had our conversation she felt extremely remorseful and she kept telling me how much she loves me and how sad she is for hurting someone she loves so much.  Hearing these kind of things helps but aside from that, you, and others have said that she should help me get through this but how?

Answer
The best help for you is honesty.  She needs to always be honest with you.  She also has to make you feel secure in the relationship.  In other words, she needs to go out of her way to show you love.  At first it may seem contrived, but, after a while it will make you both feel good.  You should also talk as much as possible about your true feelings.  It is OK for you both to open-up.  It will do you both good.  Good Luck