Expert: RITA - 10/16/2004

Question
I apologize, this is going to be very lengthy.
About 3 weeks ago my girlfriend for 2 years (4 years w/a break) broke up with me.  Her reason was so she could "find herself".  She explained that we had been going out for so long that she had no idea who she was as an individual, she only knew herself as she was with me.  I didn't really understand because our relationship was so great and we could just take a break, not talk to each other for a while, still be exclusive and get back together later on.  I felt like she wasn't telling the truth.
There was too much evidence showing me that a new guy had come into the picture and was replacing me.  She and I met him (& his gf) at a music festival and we hung out that night.  His car broke down so they stayed late and he and his gf came back the next day to get the car and we hung out again.  My gf hung out a few times a week with him for 2 weeks(she invited me but I had to study or was tired from work) and she started to seem distant and that something was wrong.  She then broke up with me(sept22) with the reason above but I really wasn't sure what to believe.  You don't go from loving someone to needing to find yourself to dating a new guy in a week.
So I accepted the finding herself reason for a while but finally confronted her about what the truth was after a good friend of mine heard that she had cheated (He heard from a friend who is good friends with my x).  So after 4 hours of asking what the truth was and giving her all my evidence she finally told me. A day or two before we broke up she was over at his house and he kissed her, she objected at first but eventually one thing led to another and they had sex.  She was really nervous and uncomfortable but didn't tell him to stop.  The next day she "realized" that maybe she doesn't know who she is and wants to try dating other people to see what it's like in other relationships.  She swears it had nothing to do with the relationship and I made her extremely happy and there was nothing wrong between us.  I find this hard to believe though.  How do I know if something really was wrong? (so I can work on it in future relationships) How can someone that still loves you so much cheat?
This really hurt.#1 she had cheated on me #2 I was being lied to by someone that hates liars.  .  We had something very special and talked seriously about our wedding, family etc. that was all to start after college.  I had taken a break 2 years before to date other people and found that I was much happier and complete with her.  Now it's all gone and although she says we might get back together someday, nothing is for certain.  After she told me she cheated I let her know that I love her, I forgive her for cheating and I gave her a chance to come back to the relationship.  I also let her know that if she didn't take this opportunity to come back she may never get it again because I'm going to date other people and I'm not going to leave a relationship so I can get back together with her.  She said she's sorry but she really has to do this right now (find herself/date other ppl) but she still loves and cares for me.    
    She wants to be friends, which would not be my first choice but I'll take what I can get.  Except that every time I call her to see if she wants to get together she's out doing something with friends or spending the night at his house or simply too busy.  And I've let her know that this is not a one sided friendship. She promises we'll hangout next week or she'll call me back and she never does.  So I call her less frequently, no email, occasionally she IMs me if we're both online (I've deleted her screen name).  I just don't know what to do,  I want her back, I want to be her friend if I can't have her back and if friends don't work out I just want to forget and move on.  
I've tried a number of things to help me get on with life.  I'm able to go a few days without calling her. I'm eating healthier, working out a lot, hanging out with friends as much as possible, being more social, I went and bought an entirely new wardrobe and I'm doing things that I haven't done in a while.  This time is for me to find myself too and eventually I'll be ready to date other people.
However, these are all temporary escapes.  Anytime I sit down to write a paper or study all I can think about is her and the break up and everything else. (which is really affecting my studies)  The same thing happens at work and I can rarely focus because she's always on my mind.  Is there something I haven't tried yet?  Do I need to completely break off all communications with her?  How can I do that without losing her?  How can I get her back?  If we do get back together someday how should I act to prevent future infidelities and how do I trust her again?  How do I trust any girlfriend again? (this has happened 2x)
Again, I'm sorry for the length of my post but I felt the details would help you answer my questions.  If you have any questions or would like more clarity please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks for your help!!!
-Cameron


Answer
Don't apologize for the length of your letter, I understand.
First of all, the problems weren't with you, they were hers. She chose to cheat and used the excuse of "finding herself" (which is one of those we women use when we cheat, by the way) and she's holding onto you incase things dont work out the way she planned.
I've been there done that, and as in your case you really have to sort of cut all the ties in order to get on with your life. If in the future you feel comfortable enough to see her as a friend and she as you, then it will be. I know its ruff, honey, but you got to let her go and accept things as they are, for your own good.
Keep doing the things such as buying things to improve your appearance, working and being social as you are now, things will get better in time, and you'll find that you might like being single and doing your own thing.
You never know what may be ahead for you, and also, it's her loss since she's letting go of a rare type of guy..one who's faithful and committed.
I hope things go good for you from here on, and tell me how you do.Take care