Expert: Don - 5/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: been with my high school sweetheart for 15 years. great life together with 5 kids.
a year after our first child was born, i started getting close to a friend at work. we talked alot about our relationships, life, etc... i vented to him about things that i was mad at my husband about, etc.... i remember being unhappy with a lot of things in my marriage, but never anything major.
we ended up having sex one time. i immediately regretted it and never did it again. i remained friends with the person but not in the same way. the incident only made me realize how much i loved my husband and didnt want anyone else. life went on, the friend transferred a year or so later and lives hours away. he  got married, had kids, etc.... once in a great while he would still contact me just to say hi and keep in touch.
through the years, i have thought about what happened off and on but mostly just blocked it out.
for some reason lately the guilt has totally consumed me. it is all i can think about. i keep reliving it all in my head. maybe because my marriage is so solid now and i am so happy. i cant believe i ever did such a thing and it literally sickens me. if my husband ever knew he would be completely devastated and things would never be the same. i could never make him understand just how horrible the whole thing makes me feel. i wish with all of my soul that it had never happened or that i could  go back and change it. i have never regretted anything else more in my entire life and if i hadnt made that one stupid mistake, i feel like my relationship really would be as perfect as it seems.
i feel like this dirty secret is eating at my heart. i feel like a totally different person lately. like a whore. yet, i know that telling my husband will not make me feel any better and it will only hurt him, and our kids.
it was so long ago but i am paranoid that somehow, someday he may find out.
the last time this old friend tried to contact me, he told me that he was going through a divorce. i told him i didnt think we should remain in contact because i was having a hard time dealing with the guilt of the past. i havent heard from him since. i hope i never do again.
help me  feel better please!

ANSWER: I don't know if I'm going be able to help you feel any better. You already know what you did was wrong and you already know that telling your husband won't make it any better, it would probably only make worse.

All I can do is tell you to forgive yourself. We're all humans we all make mistakes. Yes you made a mistake a huge mistake but you know you were wrong, and the fact that you feel so bad shows how much you really feel for your husband. At some point you have to let it go, and realize that you aren't a horrible person for making the mistake that you made.

You've already made the best choice by choosing to cut off your friend finally forever, it probably wasn't good for you to remain friends with him so long after the incident. But you've even managed to correct that.

So just remember you're not a bad person, you're not a whore, you're just a women that was going through a tough time and you made a mistake. It's not fair to beat yourself up for the rest of your life for something you know is wrong and something you'll never do again. It's time to leave it in the past and let it go.

I hoped this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I wish I could do that. I know I need to. I try and try but I just cant let it go lately. It is horrible to wake up every morning with it on my mind and go to bed every night with it on my mind. It was so long ago but that doesnt make it any easier.
I dont know why I have this weird feeling that now that this ex-"friend" is getting divorced, and feeling miserable that he would try to somehow break my husband and I up and ruin my happy life by telling him about what happened. I know that is totally ludacris and I am probably just paranoid but I guess I need to deal with that too.

Answer
I know it's not going be easy to just give it up, but if you don't you're going drive yourself crazy. It's already making you upset and it's only going get worse. So you have a choice of giving yourself a nervous breakdown or forgiving yourself. I don't know if it's possible but maybe you can talk to a priest or counselor about this, talking about it a somebody in person might relieve your stress a bit.

As far as your friend all of a sudden telling I doubt he'd do that, what would be his reason exactly. I could see if over the years, he wanted to resume some kind of physical relationship with you or if he tried to get you to be involved with him on a romantic level, then maybe he'd try to break you and your husband up, but right now what is his motive. Why would he all of a sudden want to destroy your marriage, just because his has fallen apart. I wouldn't be to concerned about that.

You need to focusing on releasing this guilt you had, it's not going be easy, there isn't a switch that you can turn on and poof your guilt is gone. You just need to wake up every morning look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, that yes you were wrong but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Release yourself from this guilt