Expert: Drea Jean - 4/28/2006

Question
Hi, I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23. We've been together for 3 1/2 years and we've lived together for 2 years. Last November he cheated on me. We were living with my parents at the time to help them with their finances because my dad lost his job so it was pretty stressful. And I remember my boyfriend always asking me "when are you going to put me first?" I guess he always thought that I never put him first. Then not long after was when we went out with some friends, separately, and he didn't come home until really late. This wasn't like him at all...he never really went to bars at night and if he did he wouldn't stay out for long. I completely trusted him all the time...I never had any doubts. Then I found out about a week after he did it. He said that he was at a bar with some friends from work including this girl who he cheated on me with who also worked with him. He said they got to drinking and playing pool and then she came on to him. So supposedly they kissed quite a few times that night. And he said that they drove around and talked for a while after the bar closed and then she had to stop at her house for something but he says that they never did anything else. So of course, I was mad and hurt but I forgave him because people make mistakes, as I have made mine, although mine were never that bad in our relationship. And now, 5 months later I still think about it and I get mad. And I'll bring it up in a conversation all the time and I'll constantly question him asking him if he's sure all they did was kiss. I always try to get more out of him and I always replay everything in my head, trying to make sense of it. We always have been close to each other, so I think that's why its so hard for me to get over what he did. It's not like him at all...that's not the person I know. I mean how do I know for sure that they didn't sleep together? He swears up & down that he couldn't go that far, but now that the trust is gone I don't know if I believe that. So I guess I'm getting advice from you on how to heal and not think about it anymore. Its causing problems between us because when I bring it up, he gets upset and he says he just wants to forget about that night and he can't if I keep bringing it up.

Answer
Hi,

I have been where you are, and I hope I can help you.

The first thing you will need to accept, is that you may never really and truly know if he slept with her or not. If he has always been honest with you, then you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if you went to her and asked, or asked around to his friends, you may not get a real answer. The only two people that know are him and her, and she may lie to you. To start to move on you have to accept you may never never know for sure what happened. You can't keep bringing it up, it will just make the rift between the two of you deeper.

My Fiance has a theroy on this. (We've been through it), and his thought was, if I couldn't let it go, we would never heal. And that's true, and remeber, Forgivness does NOT mean forgetting. That leads me to the next step.

You need to have a discussion with him about how it has changed you. He needs to know that your trust in him is broken, and now more than ever, you will be more suspicious of him. He will need to account for his time to you when he is gone, and be available to you to reach him. If he is serious about making it up to you, he will agree. And make sure you let him know you have faith in him, but you need to heal. Reassure him that you will not be mean or vengeful for what he has done, and you think someday you will heal, but it will take time. If he wants it to work, wants it to be better, than he will be open to talk to you about it.

Another thing to remeber, is NEVER to bring it up in anger. You are not going to forget it, and you never should, but you need to move it literally to the back of your mind if you want to heal. If you have chosen to stay in the relationship, you need to accept it happened, and remove it from the front of your mind. You will need to focus on other things to heal.

Also, keep your eyes peeled. Go with your gut instinct. Love shouldn't be blind. Don't read into things that are not there, you'll make yourself crazy, but if it is obvious what he is saying just doesn't add up, pay attention to your instinct.

5 months is not a long time. I am about on track with you. There was an event that my fiance had confessed to me right before Christmas, that broke my trust in him. I felt helpless and betrayed, and that turned into anger, and then fear. Soon after I was numb and confused, and only now am I healing. You have to give yourself time to FEEL what you feel. Many women will throw themselves into other things, Don't make that mistake, it will just take longer to get over. FEEL what you feel. When your mad, be mad. When you need a good cry, find one.

Just this past weekend, my boyfriend and I were alone in the car, and I had been very upset the week before, so much so that the very sight of him irritated me. So, I told him. I said, I don't like you very much right now, I am feeling very hurt. But I love you, and I will get over it, so I just need a little space, and compassion. And he agreed, and from that day I have felt better. You can do that to. Make sure he understands you are not punishing him, you are not directing it AT him, but rather that you need to FEEL it, face it and move on in your own time.

If you haven't noticed, communication is KEY to healing. But don't over talk it. The more you talk, the better, but too much talk could be damaging. He may feel like it will never get better, and he may shut down. Choose your time wisley, and get to the point quickly.

Also, focus on you a little more. Don't take away from the relationship, but use it to enhance it. I know the first time I was cheated on, that I gave it so much power in my life, I forgot about myself. I didn't eat right, slept all day, didn't clean up, nothing. So find some time to make yourself feel good. When things around you are in order, you feel more grounded, and will have a better time soping with it.

Now, just some fun suggestions for the two of you as a couple. HAVE FUN!!  Remember what it was like at the start of your relationship, when you couldn't get enough of one another? Get back to that! Do new things, try having special nights out, talk about things you had forgotten, how you feel in love, or where you went on your first date. Get back to the basics of falling in love, and not just the work in takes to stay in love.

Take a trip. Get away from everyone, everything, everyplace that reminds you of the troubles, and just go somewhere for a few days and be together. Use it as a new begging in you relationship. Leave the troubles behind you, and when you come back resolve to LEAVE them behind you.

I hope that helps you, at least to get started. I know where you are right now, I am only about 4 months into the process, but I have been through it before. If you need more help, or have anything you need to vent about, or have concerns about, let me know.

Good Luck to you, and Thanks!

Drea Jean

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