Expert: Don - 12/27/2007

Question
Hey Don,

  I need assistance in trying to forgive and forget? I am a 24 year old female and have two beautiful young children. Our son is his biological, and my daughter is not his, but in the same aspect he has been raising her since she was a day old. When got together May of 2006 right after I had my daughter in April. We were really good friends, which then finally led to a relationship. All was good in the beginning, except from one thing that kept nagging me. He would keep getting anonymous calls on his cell phone and when I ask him who keeps calling you private. He kept saying he does not know, and that he does answer private calls. I said ok, hey I trusted him. But, it kept happening and he never wanted to answer the phone, until one time I said answer it and he did and it was his ex-girlfriend. So I asked him why was she calling, because they have been broke up for about a year. After that day I told him to tell her to stop calling and he said that he will do so. Do you think that happened, "NO". I said a female is not going to keep calling if you are not giving her a reason to call. Well, months went by and it kept happening and we finally moved into together. And for about two weeks the phone calls stop, until one day we were out and she called again. At that point it was putting a damper and strain on our relationship. So I moved out, well actually he kicked me out about four times in a span of four months. All because I kept getting made about the phone calls. Then for one last time I returned in December of 2006 and the day after I returned I received a phone and and to my surprise it was her, not calling the cell phone but the house phone. Oh, man did that set my blood on fire. So when I went to ask him how she got the house number he said she looked it up in the phone book that he has not been talking to her. Well, at that point I had enough. I went on the Internet into his cell phone account and I saw that he also have been calling her even the day we moved into our new home.He have been calling ever since we started our relationship May of 2006. Because before we started dating we were really good friends and I named him the Godfather of my daughter. So by me finding out that he betrayed my trust, that just broke me down. After finding that out I approached him and he said that it was nothing like that. So why were you calling her. He says that it is not called cheating. I said if you have to hide it from me and calling your ex-girlfriend is cheating. He said he did not see or sleep with her. All they did was talk on the phone.Well, a week after I found this out I had a doctors appointment and found out that we will be having a baby. All I could think about is the infidelity that was present. He wanted me to have his baby, so I will not leave him. He asked me to give him 2 weeks to change things around and I did. But, to my surprise I still am wondering if he is still talking to her. I feel as if more happened than just what he is telling me and it is a year later. I can not seem to forgive him for betraying my trust, lying to me, and his dishonesty. How do I move on, or do I want to move on, or do I want to move on without him? I know that it is just a phone conversation, but what do you have to talk about for 2 hours at a time at all hours at the day when are suppose to be working? I need someone other than a family member giving me their advice on how to go about this situation. I believe that it will continue to haunt me if I do not forgive. Is it meant for me to forgive and forget. Will my heart ever heal by continuing being with him?


Answer
I can't tell you how to move on or when you should move that has to come from inside of you. You have to ask yourself do you want to stay in this relationship? If you feel you can never trust this guy and that he is just going to continue to lie and possibly cheat on you then you need to break up with him. If you stay with a person you can't trust the only thing you're going end up doing is driving yourself crazy because all you'll do is think and worry about what he might possibly be up to.

So it's simple if you feel he can be trusted you should stay with him and try to make the relationship work, if you feel he can't be trusted then your best bet would be to break up with him and try and move on with your life.