Expert: Sam E - 4/5/2007

Question
Hi, my name is Ted, and I have a friend who just recently initiated a break-up with her long-distance boyfriend of almost a year (recently being about 2 hours ago) because she believes that he's not being devoted to her, right at a time when she needs the most support: her mother is being treated for breast cancer.

Apparently, he was making jokes about wanting to be with a mutual friend...and my friend wasn't convinced that he was joking.

But wait, it gets more complex... I'm in love with my friend. I've been waiting for her to be single again, but I never imagined that it would happen like this. And first and foremost, I'm her friend, so I want to help her through this, even if it means sacrificing any chance of me having a deeper relationship with her.

So now she's in the "love sucks, its better to be single" phase. She hardly wants to have anything to do with guys. She's starting to drawn in to herself, and I'm afraid she's going to start smoking again, a vice she worked so hard to overcome. How can I stop the spiral? Is there anything I can do?

Answer
I suggest you let her wallow in this right now. There isn’t much you can do. Just be her friend and give her advise only when she asks. You don’t want to seem to nosy or pushy. Just stand by her stand and catch her if she falls. If you try to do more this will probably make her not want to be around you.  As far as the smoking goes, remind her that she worked so hard to quit and to work through this without smoking. Tell her that if she starts she will regret it and end up wanting to quit all over again.
Hope this helps,
Sam