Expert: Don - 7/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi folks,
about 12 weeks ago my girlfriend(23) and i had a bad patch. She said she did not know how she felt about us, but we worked through it.

This morning I read an email from her friend to my girlfriend. Basically it indicated that she had cheated on me. I did some digging and confirmed that she slept with one of our friends on a specific night about 11 weeks ago.

I took this email to her workplace today and calmly confronted her about it. Before I told her what I knew I said to her "I know you have cheated on me, and I want you to tell me about it" - to which she denied all knowledge.

After I showed her what I had found she admitted to sleeping with him but insisted it was a one off and nothing else has ever happened. After talking for awhile, she became exceptionally upset. I did the following:
1) Told her I forgave her for sleeping with him
2) Comforted her for a significant amount of time
3) Made her a cup of tea!

I then used her phone to call her mother and cancel some plans we had for tomorrow (My university graduation) - whilst I was using the phone it occured to be to check her text messages. I did, and I found text's that showed they had been seeing each other on a large number of occasions since the night 12 weeks ago and that they kissed and 'fondled'.

I went downstairs and asked her to tell me the rest and she denied all knowledge. So I told her again what I knew and she confessed to it.

My younger sister (15 at the time)died some years ago and since then I have had difficulty allowing people to get close - even my parents are very distant. My girlfriend is everything I have.

My questions are:
1) How can I know if she has slept with him\others more than this once?

2) Am I a fool for wanting to forgive her?

3) Am I niave for hoping that things can be fixed?

4) If we do split up - how on earth can I begin the healing process and learn to trust again? I don't have any sort of support network and am worried I will get lost and decline.

Thank you.



ANSWER: Okay let me answer your questions.

1. You'll never be able to know how many times she slept with him or if she slept with anybody else unless she decides to tell you, knowing that she slept with him one time is enough to tell you she did it, the number of times is irrelevant just the fact that she did it once is enough. So unless you can hook her up to a lie detector, you'll have to take her word for it because she's the only one that knows.

2. No you aren't a fool, you're just in love. Wanting to forgive a person you are in love with doesn't make you a fool, you're only a fool if you forgive them and then continue to let them get away with the same action you forgave them for to begin with. If you forgive her this time and she does it again, and you keep forgiving her then you're a fool but to forgive somebody once doesn't make you a fool. You just have to let her know that's it the last chance she gets to make a mistake.

3. No you aren't naive, there is a chance that you can make it work but only if you feel you can trust her again and only if she is truly trustworthy. If you feel you can trust her then you might be able to rebuild your relationship but if you feel you'll never be able to trust her again, then your relationship will never work because if you spend all your time worried about what she is doing or who she is doing it with you'll do nothing but stress yourself out and that won't help to make a relationship work.

4. You just have to look at her as one individual and not link her with any other girl you meet in the future. You have to know that all women aren't the same just because she lied to you and cheated on you doesn't mean that every girl you meet from now on is like her, so you can't hold her actions against the next woman you decide to get involved with. You don't need a support network to move on all you need is the faith in yourself and others, that not all people are bad and not everybody is a liar and a cheater, follow that path and you'll be able to trust again.

I hope this helped and good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your quick response.

Since my last post I have found out that she last slept with him on Friday. Both occasions have been sordid - the first in the bathroom of a friends house, the second was in an alley behind a club.

I'm not sure what this means except perhaps she thinks she is missing excitement or something similar.

Now that she's slept with him twice - once 12 weeks ago and once just a few days ago - Should I still forgive her? How do I know I'm making the right decision and how will I know I'm not leaving myself open to it happening again.

Thank you again for your help.


Answer
At first I was thinking you should forgive her but she seems to keep on doing things with this guy, and believe it or not she didn't just sleep with him 12 weeks ago and then all of a sudden decide to sleep with him a couple of days ago, more than likely she has been sleeping with him over the course of the entire 12 weeks.

I just think she's a cheat and it might be time for you to move on and find a woman you can trust and who will treat you with some respect, because your current woman obviously doesn't even know what she wants